Fair Dealing
by Wicked R
Summary: continuing with the last scene of the season 3 finale. After Kimber's rejection, Christian is going back to his unusual ways to find solace. Abby.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Fair Dealing  
Author: Wicked R  
Disclaimers: Ryan Murphy is the genius.  
Genre: G/Drama/Angst

Rating: PG.

Spoilers!  
Summary/Set/Pairing: continuing with the last scene of the season 3 finale. After Kimber's rejection, Christian is going back to his unusual ways to find solace. Abby.

Annie seemed very experienced at finishing setting the dinner table, so Christian and Matt just let her do it.

"So, what have you been up to today?" Matt asked his sister. They hardly met these days and Matt didn't know what Annie's latest concern was, her history teacher's unfairness or making up the latest secret code with her best friend.

"Just school," the girl shrugged, "it's really boring lately...but mom let me to go to school by bike!"

"Do you remember what happened the last time walked you to school?"

They looked at each other, bursting into laughter. Looks like Matt didn't completely forget how to speak the child's language.

It had amused Christian countless times to see the two siblings interact. Matt seemed to be the most comfortable around Annie, who was also happy with her older brother's attention. It was a secret world nobody else could really enter that despite Matt's major absences lately, still existed, "why, what happened on the way?" Christian asked.

Annie giggled, "he was swinging like a moron on the baby swing."

"Ah, we'd all like to do that sometimes," Christian noted, imagining himself. Yeah, it seemed like a good idea. Only it doesn't work without a child. But when is he going to have one? With Kimber gone...

"Will you come with me tomorrow?" Annie interrupted his thoughts by addressing her question to her brother.

"I can't. I have other..."

"Things to do," Annie frowned. It was always the same with too much adult acting Matt these days, "things you don't even tell me what they are," she said huffily.

"Well," Matt said, understanding the girl's discontent and deciding to treat it head on, "now and again shit happens and it's easier to forget them than talk about them."

"Erica says you should talk about it when something occurs that troubles you," the little girl said, growing up to the conversation his brother had with her in a millisecond. The serious child she usually was, nobody was surprised. Their high profile messed up lives was taking a toll on her too.

"Now you can your grandmother Erica as well?" Matt grinned.

Annie shrugged, "I'm hungry."

"Seems like mom and dad are having one of those conversations in there so we'll have to wait. If I didn't already know we are going to have a sister or brother, I would think they are making one now," Matt said quietly to Christian.

"I heard that," Sean said, instead of the little girl Matt intended to keep quiet from, entering the room hand in hand with Julia.

"Let's eat," Julia said as she realised everything was overready till they had their little private reconciliation talk, and walked over to sit down at the dinner table setting the example, "I bet it's getting cold."

Relieved after the Carver experience, good conversation and laughter was shared around them with the bread they passed round.

Julia was smiling, listening to the voices of all the people she loved most. It was nice to hear Sean's relaxed voice. She loved that, the way it evoked so much emotion in her when he talked. She almost completely forgot that feeling, she definitely didn't experience it for years. She was quite surprised it still existed. He spoke proper, with care and respect, not just for the words themselves, but also for the people who he talked to. It was what ultimately made him a good doctor, it was what she fell for once. And now he was back to that state of mind where he was capable of it, and not to a small extent that was due to her. When he was like this, it made her feel special as well, just by being with him. It was that why she didn't need to work for over a decade. She needed to raise her self esteem a bit eventually, but now that she was a successful business woman she would be quite happy going back being a mom. She laughed to herself.

"Why are you laughing?" Annie turned back from looking at her father.

Julia shook her head, "nothing."

"Come on, it must be something," Sean joined in with the probing.

"It's you," she said.

"Me?" Sean played the confused as Annie enjoyed watching her parents fool around, "what did I do now? Hold my glass a funny way?"

"No. It's just you seem to have these two personalities. And guess what, I have two personalities too. I guess it depends on which one comes out to play when we understand each other or when we don't."

"Now everybody is playing Erica around here?" Matt lifted his glass of wine.

Christian listened to their conversation best he could. He watched the two lovers together holding hands, Annie's eyes sparkling from joy and Matt coming back to this family to feel better. Christian didn't say a word, feeling out of place in this happy little family setting. It was almost like these people had adopted him, but he didn't belong, and it was all a lie. And he didn't think he wanted to belong there anymore. There were times when he kidded on this was his family, and at times he really felt it was. But now he wanted a family he could really call his own. With Kimber.

"I should go," Christian said quietly without much explanation, pushing away from his place at the dinner table

Julia bit her bottom lip and then let it go, realising they have completely ignored him. The scenario was repeating itself during the last couple of decades, "please don't...you don't want some apple pie? It's not a la Sean transient concoction, I made it myself yesterday."

"No thanks, I've had enough," Christian answered, rubbing a hand over his stomach, but meaning something entirely else he had enough of, "I gotta go see how Kimber is doing," he lied so he could get away. But he did intend to see Kimber anyway. So far, he had backed off as she wanted him to, but now he had to let her know how seriously he meant giving up plastic surgery for her. He could just work as an ordinary surgeon, it wasn't the money he really cared about, it was her. But Sean and the others didn't have to know about his plans, neither did they have to know about him not even talking to Kimber for a couple of weeks now.

"Is she willing to accept you back? She able to see the real world as it is yet?" Julia asked hopefully and concerned, having had seen the ex model when she was staying at her De La Mer.

"This is more like a doctorly house call," he specified, and that was what his excuse was going to be when Kimber asked him as well. The rest was just hope.

"Tell her we wish her to get better soon as well," even Sean took the bite.

"Let us know how she is," Julia joined in, nobody seriously believing that Kimber's current state of mind of avoiding to strive for, or at least understand beauty will last very long.

Christian nodded his head curtly and touched Sean's shoulder as a good bye. He turned back for a moment and flashed a small smile before he left the room, closing the door behind him and leaving those for behind to play temporary happy families. No matter how much he didn't belong, it was nice to see them in high spirits.

Then he was on his way. Whatever Kimber wanted, no matter how many conditions she has got, he would fulfil them all. Nothing could stop him to realise his dreams. Or so he hoped. He didn't contemplate being wrong. It wasn't something he could easily live with, so, practical he was, he avoided it as much as possible.

tbc


	2. Curry Flavour

Chapter 2: Curry Flavour

As quick he started off, the slower his motions got when he walked slowly to Kimber's house from the parking lot. The property bought in the upcoming neighbourhood of Tennyson Heights that Kimber all so practically put her profits in coming from her small business ventures in, was little, but it suited her. The patio home had a master bedroom upstairs and a large enough garden for Kimber's little terrier to run about.

Feeling dispirited when he saw the lights on, proof that the owner of the house was in fact at home, he contemplated the possibilities. She could hit him with some of the same kind of insights she had seemingly acquired from the Carver, just like she had after her operation, she could even not let him in at all. No problem, he encouraged himself, there are some other ways of communication. He'll find some way of letting her know he was serious in trying to fulfil all her expectations. He realised that sounded desperate. He hated being desolate. He avoided it at all costs all his life. It was what kept him going. He would've never even made it out of his foster father's house alive if he was taking that attitude. But at the moment, he really felt hopeless, which on top of it all confused the heck out of him. Was it really that important to have Kimber back? He didn't even want to think about living the rest of his life alone. Or worse, climbing from one bed to another as he had done so far. There are moments in your life when enough is enough.

Reminding himself of the importance of the matter made him even more nervous as he reached for the bell. Seconds passed like hours as he stared at the little flashing light next to Kimber's name that meant that the buzzing was heard in the apartment. Himself, he heard nothing as there was no reply from the intercom. Wringing his hands nervously he waited till the flashing stopped, then pressed the button again. An eternity has passed before the terrible thought appeared in his mind. Kimber, out of security reasons, has always had cameras in front of her door. Quentin could never have got her in her house that easily. If she was at home as the lights indicated, she could see it's him buzzing and simply doesn't want to let him in. It was a possibility. In that case, he should just go and revert to those other methods of communication he was thinking of earlier. Perhaps buy a whole flower shop and send it to her bit by bit each day. But what if there was something wrong with her? It was certain she shouldn't stay alone that much after her ordeal. Why is it that Kimber never gave him a key, while she had one to his apartment? He stood there nervously, making himself more and more confused when suddenly the door opened.

"Sorry, the cameras were not switched on," she apologised for the wait, "and I had to see first if it was really you."

"You don't have to be afraid anymore. Quentin is dead. You do know that, right?"

"They have told me. What do you want?"

"Well hello to you too. I have come to see how the scars are healing and if I can do anything else for you."

"No you haven't come for that," she didn't want to talk about her scars, neither physical or emotional. It was all impossible between them anyway. Where those emotional scars ever gonna let her stand naked in front of a man again the way Quentin made her stand in front of a mirror? And all that time she could only think of the instance when Christian had done something so much similar. She didn't think she was going to be able go out not wearing a bra, let alone anything else. She just had to move on with her life, away from anything at all that reminded her of beauty, "the house is a complete mess. Everything's packed away in boxes."

"Why?"

"I'm moving back home to Arkansas. But come in. I did want to let you know about it anyway."

Christian didn't answer, just followed Kimber into the living room. He was busy trying to figure out how to stop her leaving town now. He obviously needed to speed up his moves now. Kimber was right. Really everything was packed, luggage and boxes were scattered all over the place. The furniture must've already been taken away, along with the wall decorations and plants. This was serious, she was really intending to go and never come back. He looked around stupefied, as if he was watching it all from somewhere else, as if it was happening to someone else. He finally sat down on top of one of her closed boxes and put his head in his hands.

"I've sold this place," Kimber explained noticing his mystification to some extent, "and I've bought a bigger house next to my sister's house in Fivemiles so that my nieces can come over even to sleep for a while."

"You haven't seen your sister for years! And nieces? Fivemiles? What? I don't understand. And what are you gonna do in Fivemiles? Is that even a town?"

"There's quite a lot you don't understand about me and you never will, Christian," Kimber lamented, "I could and I can still live another way. It was a matter of choice leaving everything behind, becoming a model. But I could fare well helping my sister's small business. She teaches children music."

"There can't be much to do about such a small business."

"It's not that small. She goes all around the state organising activities for children. And she needs another music teacher, she is very busy these days," Christian was looking at her dumbfounded, so she continued, "I play the piano. Quite well actually. And I sing."

"You do?"

"That is where the idea of me being an actress came from. But you never knew that. You never asked. Cause you were treating me like shit. Some scars heal better than others if we're at that."

"This is ridiculous Kimber. That is transference of blame. You were too afraid of Quentin to blame him. You still are. Now he is dead, you still need to blame someone. If you project your negative feelings and thoughts onto someone, it will release your emotional negativity. You're probably will feel better, but that doesn't sound like healing to me. I could be wrong, but to me, that is more like a dodgy illusion that keeps you from the real thing."

"That is what you think...I still need to pack upstairs you know."

Christian felt like grabbing her and bringing her to her senses, then kiss her and claim her back. But how? He couldn't as much as approach her. You can't cure rape with sexual healing. Or at least not right away. He knew that from experience. Any form of violence was out of the question too. He was banging a solid wall, figuratively speaking. He just nodded mutely. His ability to speak was taken when he looked into her eyes, those distant ice bergs. Desperately seeking to find another way, another route they could have taken he blurted, "I'll come with you. I'll call Sean, I'm sure there are many other people he could work with. I'll give up the business, I'll give up plastic surgery, I could technically be just a surgeon, any surgeon..."

Kimber laughed sceptically, "there are no hospitals in Fivemiles. There are no jobs for surgeons."

"Well, there must be one not so far away. People do get ill, anywhere."

"What you're saying is non sense Christian and you know it. You couldn't survive in a small town. The milieu of flashy Miami, plastic surgery, it's part of who are. If you only have a few bad weeks, and you'll end up exhausting all the eligible female population. What after that, huh?"

"Kimber…" His voice trailed off in exasperation. He couldn't accept looking at her knowing it might be the last time, he couldn't stand the thought of her leading a life without him.

"Are you really willing to give up everything you've worked for when you don't even understand my choices?" She continued disbelieving, "Are you, mister me me me?"

Christian ignored the insult. This was his last chance, one he couldn't throw away just because of some stupid pride issues, "I love you more than anything. Yes, I'd give up everything just to be with you. I want to start a family with you."

Kimber stared at him, "under your terms Christian, under your terms. Now, okay, tell me what was the first time you realised you fell in love with me, huh? It was when you really needed me, you needed someone. It was for selfish reasons. Well, for selfish reasons, let's say, I'm moving back in with my family who love me unconditionally, no matter of my waist size." Her voice lacked any blame, she was just talking as if factually.

"Your family...I understand...or I think I do...but what about a partner? It's known that if the patient has someone in their lives that the healing is so much easier? That's a hard one for most doctors to understand, but it is so," he used anything he could think of in his desperation, ignoring that the wound on his wrist from when Quentin made him cut himself had started bleeding.

"Look, the delivery truck comes to take it all away in the morning," Kimber gave him to incentive to leave.

"Do you not regret we never got married?"

"That was another life Christian. I'm starting fresh. Never to get hurt again," she turned to go up the steps.

"Does it not matter you're hurting me in the meantime?" Christian stared at the blonde, who didn't turn back towards him, considering the conversation finished, "how...?" He asked suddenly trying to keep her back, "how can you be so cold? This is not you Kimber!" He didn't really recognise her. After her surgery at least she had cried and told him she was sorry and knew she hurt him. But now she was simply distant. Her behaviour, it must've been an effect of what she went through, but it didn't make any sense to Christian.

"You have no idea who I am," Kimber answered offensively, "now go!"

Christian shook his head. Yes, this was a Kimber he didn't know. The trauma must've set off some personality change in her, he wondered. She was ill, that was the only explanation. And he shouldn't be angry with her if it was so. Only that so far, he thought she simply needed some time and now she was moving out. He made one last desperate attempt, "I gave you all my love, all I had inside. I did my best, and my best was not enough? How could you just walk out the door?"

"You don't remember doing that to me on a couple of occasions before?"

"But...you forgave me, you love me..." He said incredulously, "how could Quentin change that? You not love me anymore? I thought we had forever. I don't understand..."

"I do love you Christian. But don't you see? That is the thing that won't change a anything."

"But I..." Christian's breathing was coming in short, raspy gasps and his eyes scared her. Because there was too much sorrow in them. If she doesn't watch it, she will give in for feeling sorry for him. And what will that lead to? More suffering. She couldn't live with him and so they had to part. As soon as possible, "I don't want to hear it. It's over. Please Christian, go," she pleaded.

"Okay," Christian nodded a few times, biting his lips while trying to hold himself together. He felt like being hit in the chest by a bulldozer. He couldn't take it anymore, those upsetting words she was saying to him. Leaving seemed like the only option available. He backed away. If Kimber rebuffed him, for whatever reason, they really had no future together. It was best pulling his tail in, otherwise it would've hurt even more. He always acted like that when it was about really important things, with his foster parents, with his mom, with Julia. Hey, he did know how to loose, the experience of how to endure it. Without looking at her one more time he turned and was slowly stepping towards the front door, carefully avoiding any feeling hitting him just yet. Outside, he started to run, faster and faster to his car. He got the keys out in motion and jumped in. He turned the ignition with the same élan and pressed his foot on the gas pedal brusquely. He didn't bother with lower gears. He didn't know where he was heading to and how fast, furthermore, he genuinely didn't care.

tbc


	3. Armour

Chapter 3: Armour

His dash, relatively speaking, didn't last long. The petrol tank has almost been completely full when he started his mad run, so it was the first feeling that he let creep into his consciousness that stopped him roughly a mile before Fort Lauderdale. It was frustration over the fact this run away of his was sorting nothing either. Nothing made sense. His whole life seemed like the haze of movement around him, cars passing and peeping their horns at him for trailing around and not keeping in lane. Sitting at the steering wheel with detached awareness was something that could have killed him if he would've not been lucky enough for the other cars to notice his weird behaviour. Finally he stopped his car at the edge of the road and just as automatically as his driving was all along, he switched on his warning lights as if it would've been expected if he'd stopped at the edge of the highway.

"I lost her," he whispered with his eyes open wide staring ahead. He dropped his head into his hands, not caring about his head support shaking and making his whole body shake with it. It was as if he was sinking into dark, deep hole and he wasn't able to come out by himself. While feeling detached and completely lost he was aware of what should've been there. And they were there. Somewhere. Hurting so much he refused to acknowledge their existence. Despair. Fears. Remorse. Dread… and all the passion still…he didn't want to be lonely and Kimber didn't want to be either, so why didn't she let him love her?

"Why, why, why, why..." He started to repeat frenziedly. How did Quentin hurt her so much that she was not capable to love? Why? Why her? Why now? They almost got married! He shook his head. It was useless, there was no answer to either of these questions and with that he was back to where he started, returning to the numbness making him incapable of any action, feeling or thought.

Wait, why were his jeans feeling damp? He looked down and discerned a darker patch on his knee in the half darkness of the highway. There was a bigger blood stain on his sleeve and some now drying on the palm of his hand. He also became aware of his arm hurting from all the activity. He wasn't supposed to move it much for a few days and now he could feel the blood wetting his shirt where he had to cut his wrist at the request of Carver. His put his other hand over it for pressure in an attempt to halt the slow bleeding. His wound had been properly stitched together and taken care of a few hours ago at the surgery, so the damage could've not been all that much, but it has been continuously bleeding since he was in Kimber's now ex house and it has undoubtedly spoiled one of his favourite shirts. It was only because he didn't take much care of th wound, no big deal. Maybe he should change the bandage and take it easy. There was a medical kit in the boot of his car, and it would've been a useful activity, something he could concentrate on.

He started to come back to reality, and looking around in the mirrors assuring himself no other car was coming he wanted to step out of his convertible. It was then he saw the road sign, right in front of him. It said Fort Lauderdale, 5 miles on it with big, white letters. That was where Abby lived, it occurred to him.

He needed her and he needed her right now. He needed to feel the comfort of a woman. He needed her to want him. It would recreate his fantasy world in which he was a king, and humiliating her with the mask of an conceited, self-satisfied and cold-hearted person would stop him feeling. In such moments he had to believe that was really him. Heartless monsters didn't suffer. He considered for a moment how could he consciously choose to be a callous monster. As if there were two Christian Troys. He shook his head. It didn't matter. Something very powerful drove him to be the other Christian right now. He was strong and resolute and no one could hurt him. Not Kimber, not his foster parents or his biological ones. He needed to be that person now, no matter how undesirable some of his characteristics seemed to the oversensitive Christian. Besides, Abby will have some bandages, he justified himself while putting the car in gear again. Or she would possibly have some, if you can suppose such a thing of the crazy woman at all. Well, no crazier than him, he admitted to himself. Abby was right about what she told him in his office. They were alike. She was definitely warped, and so was he. They needed each other for whatever madness their mind needed to fill the void with.

He would've needed Kimber to feel complete, to feel human, to feel sound.

Abby, or any other woman in fact could not fill the void in his heart, no way on earth. But his confusing past had always haunted him. That was the method he had learnt to cope with life by. If you're upset, hurt someone else to make you feel better. Preferably sexually, was his foster father's overt teaching. And so he was set to. He knew it was wrong. And with all his might, he tried not to. But Abby was different, she was setting herself up for it, she as much as willingly agreed to it.

So he was driving with a destination now until he realised he doesn't exactly remember the address by heart. He'll have to look it up in his notebook where Abby had the nerve to write it in last time she came up to his house after he got the fake letter from Kimber. If he had realised back then it was fake, would anything be different now, he wondered. But it didn't matter. He couldn't make journeys back in time unless we count the old Stranahan House he briefly stopped in front of to consult his address book. The street name made some sense to him, he knew and loved Fort Lauderdale after all for the International Boat Show that took place there, the world's largest boat show featuring more than 1.6 billion dollars worth of boats, yachts,

electronics, engines and thousands of accessories. Maybe he should just call her and tell her to come to Rush Street Martini Bar. But no, where would they go after that. He definitely felt in no mood to drive all the way back to Miami with her. Besides, he was not far off from the given address.

He stopped right in front of the little ranch-style house blocking the drive way. He went determinedly up to the front of the house and knocked on the door hard. Tapping his foot he only waited a few seconds before hammering again.

"Okay, Okay. I'm coming," He heard a barely audible male voice from inside before the door opened.

"What do you want?" An older fat man with long white hair and white beard asked. Some people wore fuzz to hide the fact they were fat. Of course it didn't work. If not for the gruff expression, he could've mistaken him for Santa.

Christian looked at the older man in confusion. He thought he had the wrong house, but then he remembered this must be Abby's father, the one calling her handsome. They didn't seem to have too many similarities though, apart from body mass.

The man was looking up at him, staring with his aloof, dark, squinty eyes, "what do you want?" He repeated impatiently, already shutting the door, looking like he had just been woken up from sleeping in front of the telly and wanted to go back to it.

"I'm here to see Abby," he quickly got himself together.

"We have a door bell you know, no need to knock down the whole house," the man showed him the item a couple of inches to the left of the doorframe, "and what do you want from Abby?" He frowned.

"I'm her plastic surgeon."

"You? The one taking so much money off her so that she can go out and spend a load of money to eat again cause you took some of the pounds away?"

"Well, we don't exactly recommend that after surgery, or that being the reason for it at all."

"But you do take the money, don't you?"

"We presume our patients can decide for themselves what to do with their money...is Abby at home?" Christian tried to get to the point, "I just wanna see how she's doing."

"At this hour?"

"I was...meaning if I could see her as a friend."

"Er...yeah...but...Abby!" He hollered after some hesitation. With that, he turned and let him enter the hallway.

Christina followed him into the living area. The entrance foyer opened to a great room, and the l-shaped kitchen with updated appliances. Christian remained standing perplexed as nobody offered him to sit and was wondering why he had to feel like he was warped right now. The man wasn't exactly the prime example of humankind either. But he was swindling with this man, hurting his daughter. It certainly looked all different when he wasn't in the sanctuary of his own home where he made the rules up.

"Abby?" The man called out again.

Abby ran down the stairs almost immediately after that and was surprised to see Christian waiting for her. Her hair was down and framed her face beautifully, making her look less fat and horse faced, the same way as her stunned widened eyes had the same effect. Yes, there would be quite a few things he could do on an operation table to make her look more agreeable, he thought. But he already knew he was lying to her when he had said the opposite in his office. Her astonished expression didn't tell him though whether she was glad he came or did she wish he hadn't. Maybe she appropriately hated him at this point. Christian didn't know what to think as he greeted her in a neutral tone, "hi."

Abby in fact, was surprised, but because more the way he looked than anything else. Pale, he was like hell warmed over and Abby was puzzled by the tortured look in his eyes instead of the dull and emotionless arrogant look. Having a crush on him, she

felt herself melt at the sight, "come on up," she waved him towards the stairs, ignoring the disapproving frown of her father.

Abby's room was in general tidy, but crowded with a bundle of pictures, sketches, and charts that Christian seemed to stare at when the entered, overwhelmed by the multitude of colours.

"I like to draw," Abby explained, "just a hobby, but I have sold sketches before."

Christian nodded, "it's hard to get through down there," he pointed towards downstairs with his head.

"A little overprotective my old man can be, shall we say?" Abby grinned, "he's harmless, and he does want good, even if he has his own ways to showing it sometimes...that is why you can't stay. I'll come and see you tomorrow evening."

"I'll be quick," Christian put on his nasty grin and grabbed her by the arm forcefully and wrapped his free arm around her tightly. He hauled her toward the bed, "and quiet, we don't even need a bag, just switch off the lights," he said superciliously.

"You realise what would happen if I'd shout?" Abby asked with a wicked grin on her face.

"You won't," Christian reciprocated the expression and pushed her down, towering over her while holding himself up leaning on his hands on the large, wooden framed bed.

Abby suddenly couldn't stand it anymore, no matter where she was and how far her father was from them, she had to feel Christian's wonderful naked body against her

imperfect figure. She reached up to unzip his trousers, happy he let her handle it this time, sliding her hands under it to touch his skin and push the slacks down his buttocks.

At the same time, Christian pulled her skirt up and freed her of her thong in a rather brutal fashion, pulling it to the side and making contact with his intimate parts.

Then before she had time to undress him further she felt the weight that was pressing

on her body being lifted unexpectedly. He slid down off her, and sat to the edge of the bed with his face cradled into his palms.

"What is it now?" Abby asked confused, "new form of torture teasin me?"

He didn't answer, he just sat there, not knowing what to do or say. Because how should he explain to her everything had lost sense for him? That he was lost? He couldn't give himself away that much, but he didn't find the energy to move and leave either.

"Well?" She sat up too, mystified. He seemed to have returned to that initial state she thought she was hallucinating to have seen him in, in the disguise of a lost little boy. She hesitantly lifted her arm and even more uncertainly she gathered the courage to touch him and put a hand on his shoulder. What could've been the worst that could happen? He humiliated her already, "what?" she kept at it, voice soft and soothing, something he didn't deserve the way he treated her. But hey, she was a masochist after all. But then what is the difference between eating chilli and this? They both hurt and weighed her down.

Then when he turned towards her with a sorrowful look of guilt and anguish in his eye he did the most amazing thing anybody could ever do to her, "forgive me for what I've done to you."

Yet her own feelings seemed to be falling in the background and she could really feel his overpowering pain. She was used to him being demanding. It was a voice he used with her all the time. This was a different kind of demand though. An obviously desperate cry soul to soul to ease the pain and she couldn't ignore it.

They stayed that way for a long moment, something that opened the path to the truth.

Christian didn't even contemplate allowing himself to break down in front of her anymore, nothing mattered anyway. Role reversal, it was him crying now silently, not her. He came to humiliate her and instead he's humiliating himself. He wanted to cry out loud, but in the last moment he remembered Abby's puzzling father downstairs.

He was shaking and wondered if it was because of his blood loss being more than he thought or just his feelings. With the motion the stain on the back of his sleeve became obvious.

"Are you...bleeding?" Abby asked incredulously.

"Long story..." He managed to say.

She grabbed his arm staring at red soaked sleeve so that he thought she would maybe faint from seeing all that blood. No way she would have a first aid box.

Instead, she shook her head, "how long have you been bleeding like this?"

"I don't know..." Hell, he didn't know which planet he was on and even less why. How long has it been since it was final it was over with Kimber?

"Lie down..." She instructed him and pushed him down. With the same motion she stood up and while Christian was deep lost in his misery she fetched a very first aid box from somewhere. It was a travel pack.

"Are you able to...?" She started, but taking a look at his fazed out expression she made a dismissing hand gesture, "I didn't think so. Never mind. I'm going to dress the wound again?" She said, awaiting for the surgeon in Christian to oppose.

As none of what she expected happened she went over to her bathroom, washed her hands and knelt down in front of the still Christian opening the box shaking her head, "what happened to you?" He let her take the old dressing off staring into nowhere in particular. Then she disinfected the wound, her movements sure and goal oriented. Next she went to the task of dressing the wound once more, and in a couple minutes was able to stop the bleeding, finishing in record time.

"I've done the best I can," she announced, "which is without your help..." She trailed off insecurely, not sure when the other, cruel and self confident Christian will come out to play. He was properly confusing her.

Christian, confused himself, but thankful for the little quiet intermezzo that helped him gather his strength somewhat, grunted as she pulled the end of the bandage tight

below the wound and pinned the end down. A bit energised by her swift movements and mesmerised by what he had seen he sat up, "you're not a nurse. I know that. Where did you learn that from?"

Abby laughed somewhat sarcastically, "I might be ugly, but that doesn't usually go with being dumb. More often than not quite the opposite don't you think?" Seeing his ever questioning look she added, "I'm part of a group of volunteers they call in case of natural disasters and such. We fly immediately overseas or anywhere actually after an earthquake, tidal wave, hurricanes and the likes. We're all trained to do this, no matter the reason they actually recruited us. We're...also..." She hesitated, "trained to deal with shock syndromes...and you seem to...how should I say...well, you don't have to tell me. You obviously didn't come to tell me. You came to humiliate me again, I get that."

"Goddamn! I said I'm sorry...thanks for the bandage, I gotta go now," he stood determined, desperate to leave and not humiliate himself now any further.

"I can't let you," she grabbed his arm, "not like this. Did you come by car? You'd cause some accident or something."

"What about your father?" Christian asked, feeling a mad rush coming over him. Enough of the misery, this is gonna be a crazy night during which he will set the right order back, as much in his mind as in the outside world. He was Christian, the king of the castle.

"He'll calm down," Abby shrugged, ready to face any difficulties to come in her way. Christian seemed crazier than usual. Whatever role she was usually playing with and for him, she had to stop him now.

tbc


	4. Outer Surface

Chapter 4

"Could I have the keys?" Abby asked innocent sounding outside, ignoring that her father was peeking out the curtains after them.

"You don't think I let you drive my car?" Christian said with poise.

"You're still not..." Sooner than she could finish the sentence he shoved her out the way on his way to the steering wheel.

It will not be easy, Abby thought. She knew this act, he was the old Christian, the one known to her.

"Screw it, who cares," he settled it as he started the engine, "are you coming or not?" He put the gear box in drive, and floored it out the street, not really caring if Abby had managed to put her seatbelt on or not.

"You have a passenger in your car, lost some blood and you're just steering past some clubs that emanate drunk people staggering to the road at this time of the night," Abby stated with a calm voice.

"Why did you come if you don't like it? For the ride?" Christian smirked his double meaning smile at her.

"To stop you doing crazy things like this?"

"Who are you? My guardian angel?"

"Maybe."

"Ah like you do angel with natural disasters."

"Yes and..." Abby was stopped mid-sentence as she had the instinct to brace herself. But before she could actually touch anything, her seatbelt kept her back. "I would've flied out the window if I didn't have this on!" She reproached him.

"Lucky for you sweetheart. Do I look like a fucking damsel in distress?" Christian

screamed full force.

"Yes," she dared to say, still annoyed over the previous manoeuvre.

"Get out!" He opened the door for her.

"But..."

"Just get out!"

Abby had no choice. Fortunately they were still in the night club area where several cabs were waiting for drunken customers. She jumped into the first one she saw, "hi! Follow that car!" She addressed the driver, "the one that's just turned to the left over there," she pointed.

"Are you sure? It's gonna cost you, he's driving fast," the young driver winked at her, obviously in the mood for some little chase.

"I stand all costs, including any trouble the police would cause you, now or using an eventual speed camera," Abby assured him and they were off.

Christian enjoyed the drive in town, where all his senses and all his attention was absorbed by looking out for other cars, lamp posts and speed bumps. It was good, because he didn't have to think in the meantime, but the moment he reached the empty freeway the ride became just another crazy drive, pointless, just like the one before on the way here. So he stopped on the side of the road as before. His hands were heavy from the tiredness as he needed to keep them up on the steering wheel and his whole brain was a muddle of confusion. So many things swirling around in his head that it made it feel blank as no logical thought could get through. As if he was dead. Yes, he thought, he was certainly dead. He was never alive, his life had never had any meaning. He was staring ahead with his mind reeling with the realisation when somebody stepped to his window, knocking on it. The police must've got him for his crazy driving. But no, it was Abby. How did she followed him, he didn't understand because he didn't give it enough thought. He couldn't, why should he? Nothing made sense and nothing mattered. Where could he go from here?

He didn't oppose when Abby opened the door and slid next to him to the passenger seat. Something told him her life was just as warped as his was, well, apart from the fact Abby said that herself in his office. Maybe she could help him. He exhausted every other possibility. This time, he was ready to give in. If she was gonna help him, by offering herself again or any other way, he will let her. There was nothing else left to do.

tbc


	5. Right Of Entry

Chapter 5: Right Of Entry

She already knew from the papers that Kimber left him, he knew she always read about things like that, she said so. The newspapers didn't cover the exact circumstances, not that she came back and told him now that there was no more for sure, but nevertheless...so there was no reason to hide the reason for his break down.

"Why did she leave me?" It escaped him, it was the only question he could think of. Then it suddenly occurred to him that would make no sense to Abby. Of course Kimber would leave him, the nasty side of him he showed Abby wouldn't speak of anything else. No woman would like to be treated that way, no human on earth, even if Abby did let him do those things to her, she could be able to distinguish right from wrong. A bizarre laugh escaped him, "guaranteed. You don't believe me, but I can love. I showed her that," as he got no answer he continued with the convincing, "why? If she cares for me so much as she says so...how could she leave me to feel so..." His voice was hardly audible now as the feeling of being rejected was choking him, "why is she away!" He cried out louder once more a few seconds later.

"I...would think somebody who been so much tortured by the Carver would probably need some time to herself, to hide away where nobody can hurt her."

"What?" Christian looked up bothered by the fact that he thought Abby was still implying that he would harm Kimber in any way. But than something else caught his attention, "how do you know about that?"

"You didn't read the evening papers, did you? Now that the Carver story is over, they covered the whole thing."

"But I can't leave her alone right now! She needs me! I just want to be able to talk to her, make it better for her."

"You can't make people take your help. Sometimes they are just too proud, but mostly they have other ideas what help is. I was faced with the situation several times. We offer out international aid in some form, and when we get there we can see with our own eyes that people need something else. What you can do is making sure you don't lose it because of your pain. That is the only real place you have control, with yourself. You might have the illusion you can fix people because of giving them some other illusion through surgery, or simply because you're a doctor. But you can't fix them and you can't make them do things they don't wanna do. You have to make sure you don't mess yourself up more now. Maybe...I don't know your exact situation, but if you keep yourself sane she would have somebody to go back to when she changes her mind."

"You think she will?"

"I don't know. I don't even know what happened between you two."

"I swear I didn't act with her the same way I did with you...not for a long time anyway. I don't understand her. Suddenly she doesn't wanna be perfect anymore."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing, but she does it out of denial."

"Whatever she does it out of, it's good for her. It's a big weight off the shoulder if somebody can give up being perfect."

"What are you talking about? I thought you wanted to be perfect too. What's with the surgeries you wanted?"

"You told me I can't be. And shock horror, I'm thankful for it. Because I know I don't have to try. But you...you are so much more influenced by your own profession that you think people have to be perfect. At some level you know that's wrong, but you practice it anyway. You think you have to perfect. And when you are, you are up in your castle and you can look down upon others because they aren't. It makes you feel secure, doesn't it? And I don't just mean physical appearance here. Who told you people can only be happy if they are perfect?"

"Maybe just from growing up. You don't know where I come from Abby."

"Certainly not a happy childhood I must assume. Nobody with a happy childhood would be so cruel with others. Nobody who didn't deal appropriately with their unhappy childhood, I'd better say. You can thrive in spite of an unhappy childhood, did you know that?"

"I'm doing that exactly, thank you very much."

"Are you?"

"And I did it because I strived to be perfect. To study enough to leave that house, to get a good profession, never needing somebody else's help again. Believe me, you do that if you wanna escape what I wanted to escape."

"Don't you think that everybody looks back on their childhood with a certain amount of bitterness and desolation about something? Please, that was ages ago. Let it go and move on. You don't have to spend your entire life revenging that on others or living a bitter life because of it."

"Easy for you to say. You don't know my pain. You can't possibly understand what I've been through."

"You think so? How do you think somebody would end up being the masochist I am? Why would I feel compelled to continue the complicated relationship I have with you? Relationship patterns usually repeat what happened when you were a child. You act out sadistic in difficult situations, I can't get away from playing victim. Two sides of the same coin, sadomasochism. And the background is usually trauma, which would mostly be abuse if we talk about childhood. Abuse, no matter what type, will always be traumatic to a human being. Trauma is, in essence, is an overwhelming event or events that happens in a person's life which causes them to feel helpless and

fear. Additionally, it causes a break down of normal coping skills and involves actual or threatened serious injury and damage to their self integrity. A person who has suffered through trauma typically goes through two phases. The first faze is the shock faze, you must know about that. In the denial phase, which can be life lasting, a person uses many defence mechanisms to avoid remembering or dealing with the traumatic event. This usually includes emotional numbing, avoidance of certain topics, use of fantasy to counteract reality and engaging in re-enactment. Sadomasochism may be a side-effect of the trauma and a way of coping with it through the denial phase."

"And you know all this because you read it?"

"No, because I spent over ten years of my life trying to come to terms with what happened to me. I was unhappy. Things had to change. Once you make the decision to change, you have to be educated first on what the problem is and secondly how to fix it. Well, the fixing part is not going very well as yet, as you can see. I tend to slip back. Otherwise I would never let people like you put me down."

"Your father?" Christian looked at her incredulously.

"No," Abby laughed, "the bully he is, he's actually the one providing the more healthy outlook in my family. Without him I would've not been able to deal with it all, correction, I wouldn't have had the means for looking for a healthier stance since I would've never seen one. My mother. If you'd like to call her that. I don't. I lived with the self-reproach of not loving my selfish mother. I thought there was something wrong with me. Why could I not please her? My father had managed to stay a total of seven years with her. I don't blame him for leaving. He always kept some contact with me, even if my mother made those encounters a hell for him, always demanding something off him. At the hearing I was given to my mother, why, my father was drinking and nobody understood I would be better off with him. No, cause my mother was a brilliant con-artist. After all she did well at fooling herself sometimes! As a result, very few people saw through her. Let me tell you an example. One of my fist memories is being alone is the house. It was still around the relatively calm part of my childhood, when my father was still there to keep her back from going overboard, but he must've been out working or in a pub, who knows. I was scared because of being alone for long, my mother must've been off with another guy without my father's knowledge as she always did, before or after. Point is I went over to the neighbours' not to be alone. When she came back that night she graciously thanked the neighbour for taking care of me and when we were back in our house she gave me a beating I'll always remember. I think she only stopped because I passed out. She told me that the beating was because I let the neighbours know she wasn't the perfect mother. I didn't quite understand it at the time, but her words will be with me forever. That is how a pathological narcissist is. She has to be valued in the eyes of others, adults and she does everything, good and wrong to achieve that. Even if it means abusing a child. And it meant that often. The narcissist inflicts pain and abuse on others, it all depends on who they want to impress at the time. And, they need to constantly bring down, confuse and criticise others to feel good about themselves, to feel superior. They hurt others, heartlessly and rudely abandon them, and get rid of people, places, partnerships, and friendships without a second thought. Abrupt swings between heartlessness and philanthropy, cruelty and a tried, but never achieved love– are, maybe, the most tough to endure. And rages used to burst out quite a few times a day. I found my mother was a total stranger, a different person every day, a Jekyll and Hyde. Exhausting is an understatement – it was like clinging to the edge of a cliff 24 hours a day. You can imagine how terrified I was. And that was just the beginning. After my father left, it all became a lot worse. Obviously when men got to know her they didn't wanna stay. So she changed them like underwear. I loathed hearing them. I despised seeing them. I detested smelling it. At times I would stay in her bed when she was out hoping that would prevent her from having sex again just to find they just went to my bed instead. Afterwards I had to clean my sheets and the clothes I found there. This was my introduction to sex and relationships. I felt utterly unhappy, lonely and terrified. She continued to spiral out of control with drugs, alcohol and obsessions. She was extremely unpredictable and abused me physically over and over again. She would sometimes come in and shout that she couldn't wait to get rid of me. When I went back home one night when I was in high school I found the house empty, not even my bed was there. I realised she just left me and I was thankful I wouldn't be beaten that night. Unfortunately she came back, but I was almost an adult then and went to speak with my father to see if I could stay with him. After that...well, she was going downhill. We had to support her financially and we put up with her out of a sense of obligation. She was certainly not appreciative and constantly found something to pass judgment on. And when we opposed, she decided we weren't good enough or something. Pathological narcissists also have pathological pride. Truthfully, I didn't care. So one day police called me and told me she has been lying dead in her apartment for weeks. She had no friends, and nobody would care to notice. I didn't feel a loss, and I didn't feel remorse for not taking care of her. She didn't deserve anything else. That's the way she was, and that's the way she made that mind-blowing influence on my life. Therefore...am I qualified enough to understand pain? It's your turn Christian."

tbc


	6. Gradient

Chapter 6: Gradient

But instead, more like because he felt moved by her confession and not because he didn't want to reciprocate her honesty, he stared ahead, not daring to look at her. There was understanding and indisputable concern in his voice when he spoke, "it must've been difficult..."

"It still is, those years are with us," she answered candidly.

"Thanks. Thanks for telling me all that. I understand it must've been cruel for you..." He paused contemplating her plea for him to give a similar confession.

Abby didn't say a thing. She was waiting for him to get it together. Something told her he was going to. He was different than she ever seen him before. That look in his eyes, intense and blank at the same time. If he was going to decide not to tell her anything, she couldn't make him anyway, but her previous experience told her that confessions bring the others out of their shells as well. So she waited, looking at him receptively, willing him to tell her.

He needed to be weak in front of somebody. He needed to be able to open up, to let somebody in on his sorrow. He owed her that too, for more than one reason. But it usually took a lot for the throttlehold of his emotional barrier to shatter, even if he wanted it to this time. He was looking for some more encouragement and his eyes showed that when he looked up at her, "well, I guess the real start of our relationship doesn't matter now."

Abby gave him a cautious look and she managed to see the chink in the armour becoming larger, "I really thought you perhaps want to talk to someone who knows. Someone who sees behind the surface, somebody who knows we all have our histories," she touched his arm lightly, then took it back again right away in fear she went too far.

It was the last bit of encouragement he needed for the gates of his soul to open. It somehow calmed him, windswept thoughts assumed concrete form in his mind and he focussed on the first thing that occurred to him he started speaking. Maybe he wasn't even ready himself to face his most buried memories, but he could let the emotions come as they pleased, "I have a thing about of old white vans. My ex foster father used to have one. They scare the hell out of me. He got it when I was about ten and kept it until I was fourteen. He always wanted to take day trips with me in it and of course they ended up being a lot longer than a day trip. To this day I will not step in one. We would stop in the middle of nowhere. I remember very clearly this one time when I gathered enough guts to ask him to leave me alone," he admitted what Abby was getting at all along, "the only thing he said was "I can't", that's all he said to me. I remember hurting so bad, but having to act as if that nothing happened. I don't think there is anything anybody can say that will make the pain go away...it all keeps coming full circle. Everything I do it'll turn to dust. I try to establish a relationship with my biological mother, she only sees the man that raped her in me, I try to get married..."

"Your mother?" Abby echoed the new information.

"Why did she leave me? Why did my mother leave me? Why didn't she love me enough to raise me?"

"If your mother gave you up, if your foster father abused you, that is nothing to do with you. You know that, remember that."

Christian gave a cynical laugh, "I'm a horrible person. You know that, you're living proof. Why would anyone put up with me? Why do I put up with me? Why did I do that to you?"

"You really don't know?"

"I don't."

"Let me ask you one question, who is it you really want to hurt? Who is it you always wanted to hurt? Who is that someone?"

"My foster father," he admitted after a long silence.

"See? Your problem is not knowing yourself."

"Perhaps, in general. But my problem right now is Kimber leaving me, understand?"

"You afraid you'll never be loved again."

"Well, she was the only one who really loved me I thought..."

"But that's because you don't let people, you don't give people the opportunity isn't it?...Well, I understand it's too early perhaps to talk about this, or about letting go. Letting go is difficult, it comes with acceptance which, for me, is even more easier said than done. I now have to remind myself that I can only change myself and my own reactions, make myself happy. But not in destructive, temporary ways, they don't last, they are pointless, making it worse in the long run. I already admitted I don't always follow through...but I believe I can help. Myself, you, others similar. Once I got to a point where the pain became intolerable, I was forced subconsciously to take steps to get rid of the pain. I know that when I was feeling like there was nothing left, I was forced to look at things in a different way, I can speak of the things I have done to mend myself and learn to grow. Let me help you," she said softly.

His well due tears started rolling down his face now, as a way of giving in, "I don't know what to do...I don't know what to do."

"Well, you must rest first. You never know, it might all look better in the morning. In any case, you can make it better for yourself if you start consciously working on your issues."

Shaking, his shoulders started heaving with sobs he still refused to voice. If she was Julia, he would let all his sorrow out in her arms. But Julia was back with Sean. No matter what she just always ended up back with Sean. That was one of the reasons he never seriously made an attempt to have her. He was in the looser situation from start, just like now. Was there any more point to trying to keep it together? Abby already saw the worst of him. There wasn't much further he could go. His crying slowly turned into intense, wracking sobs. Abby was right, this wasn't just about Kimber, it was about his whole hopeless life and relationships. Could Abby teach him how to live happily? As if clinging to some hope he nestled his head into the hollow between her shoulder and chest.

Encouraged by him finally giving in to his desperation she gathered him closer, waiting patiently till his weeping finally slowed and stopped.

He took quite a few deep breaths before he calmed down enough to pull away and give a sceptical laugh and finally turn all open, "just don't send me to sexaholic meetings," he tried to shake his crying mood with the half joke, "they don't end well with me, I have to say...eh, never mind, I'll maybe once tell you about it...what's wrong with me? What's happening to me? I was engaged to the one I love...Now look at me - I'm forty years old and I can show up nothing."

"That's simply not true."

"Okay, well, I can not show up anything that is really important. And you say I can't change a thing, I can't change Kimber leaving me."

"You can't change other people. You can change yourself and become happy."

"By pretending I am? Don't be ridiculous. I don't quite understand how to change myself. I want to be happy with myself yes, but even if I do change, am I ever going to be happy with myself?" He didn't even understand himself anymore, how could he understand anything else?

"The moment you make a decision to change - you start on a journey of changing and you will be changing every day."

"You seem so sure of that," he wondered at Abby, so confident looking even though he did that to her.

Abby laughed, "the hardest thing for me at times is following my own advice. I tend to get so caught up in the moment I allow my feelings and emotions to take over and often live to regret it."

Christian moaned dispiritedly and rubbed a hand resignedly over his face. He was physically and emotionally worn out and he wanted nothing more than to just go fall into bed. Whatever Abby was talking about it became hard to understand, so he decided that it was an issue best left for another day when he wasn't quite so drained, "I'm tired Abby, can you drive?" He noticed himself how he appeared discomfited and almost timid with the request, not like the self-assured person he pretended to be. Did he pretend so much that he didn't notice for years it was only an act? Was what he was doing now equivalent to giving up? Nothing else he could do at the moment anyway, this new alternative of just giving up was starting to look pleasant. Confusing. It didn't matter. He needed to sleep or else he'd go insane.

tbc


	7. Surprise

Chapter 7: Coat Of Arms

It looked like it was going to be one of those days when it took her half an hour to get home from ten minutes away because the traffic was horrendous. Given the situation and the waiting time at the traffic lights just before the supermarket, she gave in to her fleeting impulse to steer into the parking lot of the shop and buy each one of those sweets in the advert she saw yesterday that made her mouth water. She didn't remember the trademark, but who cares about the manufacturer, she'd recognise the packaging any day. And oh and some white milky bar buttons if she was there anyway. It tides the waiting time over in traffic jams. Ice cream with jam. In a jam, isn't it perfect?

The experience was so pleasurable, she didn't even care she couldn't park on the driveway, because it was blocked off by the neighbour, well, yes, again. She could hear the phone ringing as she put the key into the lock of the house. She tried to hurry because it could've been the volunteer aid agency she was working for, although no obvious disasters were happening in the world that day, she always listened to the news on the way back. Of course, the faster she tried to get in, the longer it took her, consequently by the time she pushed the door open, the machine was already taking the message.

Her father was sprawled out on the couch next to the phone, obviously wasn't even hearing it. Retirement age clearly didn't do him any favours, he could get to the bar every day now, and earlier too. So he would pass out on the couch, and he'd usually still be there when she arrived home. Abby shook her head. The father who thought her what life and love was about, her anchor to reality. An alcoholic. In spite of everything, he was the one who kept her back from completely losing balance and apart from that, she really did good not falling into the wrong patters. She could be proud of herself for what she achieved from where she came from. A little bit of addictive personality, sweats and some masochism here or there, who could blame her?

After kicking off her shoes and throwing them out of sight behind the other side of the couch where she usually kept them for lack of visitors who cared about such things, she pressed the button of the answer machine and stopped to listen to the message. A particular voice came through, somewhat surprising her.

Christian hadn't called in two weeks, not once after that weird night they spent together. Not that not all of their nights they spent together weren't weird, if you looked at them from socially acceptable standards. After the initial jolt she expected to be asked over for another unusual evening.

"Abby? This is Dr. Troy..."

She had to laugh, the professional tone was obviously for her father's sake. How will he ask her to go over now? As immediately and urgently as he usually required from her?

"...As you requested," the message went on with Christian hesitating, "we made a further appointment for you to discuss additional surgeries. How about tomorrow, on Wednesday, at eleven thirty? Is that okay? Call me if you have any questions...see you then?..." Click, "end of message."

Abby was rather stunned, the feeling quickly turning into confusion. Was this more than a pretext with which he wanted to deceive her father? Or was it another sick joke of Christian's he used to play on her? She didn't even expect him to call after he had pretty much shown such a vulnerable side of him to her from which there hardly was a comeback. Would this be the comeback? Him behaving like an arse again? It didn't make much sense. He clearly told her before he would do no more surgeries on her, cause it's pointless. Could he have changed his mind? Did he just say that to annoy her in the first place? Not that it mattered anyway. That first appointment was kind of an eye opened for her. She couldn't change all that much, she knew that, at least not on the outside. Thinking anything different was an illusion, a dream she had been harbouring and the exact right treatment she needed with it was somebody facing her with the grim reality of her own body. It wasn't that she didn't hate her floppy bits, didn't feel fearful about what other people thought and get stressed out about the size of her bum anymore, but if she gave into all that, was she any different than her mother obsessing over all sorts of things? And was the whole issue any different than getting over her mother? Was it not part of it? She was the one criticising her that much she believed she was ugly, so much that she actually went out her way becoming ugly just to justify her mother. She had to go step by step, as she was thought on cognitive therapy. Happiness seems like some top secret skill a small number of fortunate individuals are born with. Not many people become conscious of the fact that being happy is a skill they could gain knowledge of.

Or could Christian still offer her something that could help her looks? He was confusing her now. If he was offering her something on a silver plate, would she refuse it because she deep down knew it was the wrong thing to do?

One other thing was, even the liposuction wasn't as effective and long lasting as she wished it to be. Forget everything, she just loved food too much, above looks. One thing for sure, she would go see him, if for not anything else, but to sort out the confusion in her head his message caused about her feelings for him. Cause this was the main issue here after all. Why did she feel the need to go back to him? She couldn't even count the last time as an all too positive encounter between them. Why did she have to torture herself with him? Why did she wanna help him? Maybe if she could fix him, she could fix herself? To see him, she had to convince herself this wasn't just one of those relationships in her life utterly inappropriate for her that constantly caused her heartbreak. She actually would've wanted a conventional, boring, but strong relationship her mother never had either. Why did she keep going back to men like this?

Well, tomorrow wasn't far off and she had to look her best. No idea why. Her best wasn't much, besides, Christian had quite refined ideas about what good looking was. Still, no time for pointless thinking sessions, she had things to do!

tbc


	8. Back To Basics

Chapter 8: Back To Basics

Christian came into the consultation room with his work clothes on, closed the door behind himself and came round to sit opposite her without looking at her at all. He uttered an offhand "hi there, sorry I'm late, surgery was longer than expected", but kept fumbling with papers at first while Abby was looking at him more and more inquisitively.

Finally, her curiosity got the better of her, "why am I here?"

"To get what you want. I can not make you look like a supermodel, but there were a few things that occurred to me that could be helped."

"You wanna fix me, huh?" Abby reacted a bit amused, a bit surprised, forgetting even to ask why he changed his mind at first, "well, it would be hard to pinpoint which one of us needs more fixing."

"About that...I don't need fixing. I'm successful, still young enough to be handsome and well off if you haven't noticed."

"Aha. Prefer to go back to lying to yourself do you? Now then, I retain the right to keep thinking you're crap at relationships."

"This is not about me," Christian parried her comment firmly, "do you want to look good or not?"

"No."

"No?"

"And I wanna know why you offering now after all you've told me when we first met."

"And you wanna be a difficult little bitch. I wasn't being harsh enough? What do you want? Should I drop the load on you first?"

"Eee...I'm not against that."

"Now?" Christian stood up and casually cornered his desk again, sitting down at the edge of it at the other side, "we can work out all the ins and outs when we're not so horny."

"Nice idea."

He reached out and grabbed her chin, then leaned forward and kissed her fiercely, his eyes sparkling inhumanly dark green like an animal's as usual as he put his hand behind her head and pulled her close. Abruptly, but not unexpectedly by Abby he grabbed her locks, his lips demanding surrender.

It didn't even occur to her to oppose, driven by ardent thirst every fibre of her body was eagerly responding to his assault with excitement.

He held her in a firm grip, his hands smarting into her skin, as he kissed her avidly, eagerly, shamelessly.

Kissed. Her face, she thought. Without a paper bag on her head. A step in the right direction? She contemplated. And still cruel, pitiless, possessive, dictatorial at the same time, just the way her twisted mind demanded from him, she thought ironically before giving herself completely over to the joy of the moment, totally forgetting why she was there and what kind of a calm and collected person she was wanting to be in the first place. At the same time, she ran her hands up his body, being allowed to feel his lover's skin for the first time while he was starting to remove her cloths.

She hardly heard the female voice coming from the intercom, "Sean's already waiting for you in surgery, Christian."

Just as abruptly as he started, Christian pushed her away, yanking her back by the wrist to stop her falling back all the way to the floor with the seat from the force of the shove, startling Abby out of the unreal dream, "report in for surgery, just the same time next week, I made some time available for it," he paused a little as he saw and interpreted the negative expression on her face, "you don't need to know in advance what the surgery will be and how you'll look like, but you'll like it, I promise you that. Free of charge. For...you know what. Come early so we can continue...this. But not now, important paying customer coming."

"You told me before I can not be turned into anything beautiful."

"It wouldn't tell you anything good about my competence as a plastic surgeon if we remained at that."

Abby stood up, "you mean you lied just to make me feel bad? You can ride me anytime, I'll be no wild horse, or wild, whatever, Christian. But I don't want any surgeries."

Christian sat back on his desk startled. Abby had almost allowed herself a snicker reacting at his surprise, but changed her mind at the last minute as Christian was already rounding on her with an evil glare, you could tell he wasn't expecting that, "what are you talking about?"

"I was depressed when I came to you, I'm not anymore. I see myself more realistically. Besides, I've been to Zambia with my organisation not so long ago, trips like that to the real world usually straightens me out for a while. You can only change my body temporarily, see what happened after my liposuction. Most of the time I am quite happy with the way I look. I know I have a big bottom and would love to have longer legs but there's no point in worrying about things I have little hope of ever changing, as I will just end up feeling depressed and overcome by feelings of self doubt."

"Oh, I had one Kimber, it was enough. Don't tell me you gonna come with the same crap now."

Abby shrugged, "good on her. Not many models realise this. I still can barely stand to look at pictures of myself, but no amount of Botox or collagen can fix that, plastic surgeons just add to problems like this."

"Are you against my whole profession now?"

"Well, coming from that point of view it will be hard for you to get happy the right way, but I can offe..."

"Playing the Samaritan again? How does that fit with the masochism? Oh, I see, the self sacrifice thing. Who needs fixing now, huh?"

"Yes, both, but not the way you're saying. Not with masking."

"Look, woman, I'm busy. Appointment's made. Linda will tell you how you have to prepare. Come, or don't. It's up to you. Bye," face blank he stood, left the room, and quietly shut the door behind himself leaving Abby to sort her clothing out. It wasn't something to be proud of for somebody to know he fancied her.

tbc


	9. Daze of Consciousness

---------

Chapter 9: Daze Of Consciousness

Christian sat at his desk, if you could call his fidgeting sitting, waiting for Abby to turn up. He couldn't believe it.

She meant it. It has been two hours and she didn't even answer his calls and texts to reminding her to come. Playmates were not supposed to argue, they were supposed to do what he told them to do. So many images were going through his mind. Memories of his distant and not so distant past. Their conversation in the car. Was that the real Abby? A strong woman? Not like his mother, his foster mother, all his girlfriends he managed to overpower in some way, the dependent Julia, crazy Kimber...and he thought he humiliated Abby the most. He did and he didn't. She made it so clear it was her choice when coming to his office after the first time they were together. She had to be strong to be ugly. He never dared to look unattractive. Too afraid people wouldn't like him. So he made sure he behaved in ways that made people not like him. It wasn't the real him, but it was better, because if they would've hated the real him, that would've been worse.

Abby was willing to be who she was, no pretences. And she was also able to face herself, know things about herself he never dared to look at, or remember very often. He'd proven his worth all right by being successful, but in many ways he stayed perfectly and blessedly unacquainted with his own self, or so he thought. Now that is what landed him in trouble, made him feel that low he felt over the last few months. Maybe years, but he never admitted it. He had the knowledge of a brick about himself, he didn't know he would react to things himself from time to time. His impulsiveness made life difficult so many times. But it all had a root, one he never thought of. Maybe it would be better to take the path Abby suggested instead of deciding the last thing he wanted was to know more about himself and being terrified of what he'd find out about himself. But how will he admit to that openly in front of Abby? He was too afraid to ask her for help. One wrong move and his view of himself as having the upper hand in life would come crashing down. But it was all a pretence, not true. While knowing it, still, he couldn't openly admit to it, something in him stopped him doing so.

She was open, straightforward, realistic and open-minded. Everything he wasn't. No way he could've admitted to her that she was being more knowledgeable at some level, a higher being. How could she be? She was ugly, submissive and laughable. Good to talk to sometimes, not good to look at. She wasn't even happy with which people should really measure each other with. Other than, she was happier than him. Everybody was happier than him. Wasn't he doing something wrong then? Didn't he need help. There was a person who was seeming to be offering the right kinda help for a change to him. Somebody who not only liked the man he pretended to be, but also the one he was, and the one he tried to become, hell...yeah, she was head over heels about him, it was a privilege for her to have sex with somebody with a body like him and yet after all that happened she knew when to say no for her own sake. He was frantically trying to connect to her. That is why he made this charade with the appointments and granting her so called wishes, as it turned out she didn't really have. God, he needed her cause she already saw every bit of what was bad inside him and reacted all the right ways for him. They had so much in common despite being so different. If he could just take that hand. He wanted to connect because she was the only one who really understood him. He didn't stand a chance with anyone else. He had to acknowledge that Kimber was a total mystery for him and no matter how many women he had he never tried to understand them. What for? They were poles apart. But not Abby. With all that, how could he go out with a woman who looked like that? Bad for the business too. One other reason why he needed to fix her up. He needed her like a parachute, he needed her to understand himself. In order for him to see who he was, he had to begin with appreciating her. Was love needing someone? That was his idea of what love was, being needed and needing. A needy soul, but he didn't usually see himself as needing anyone, and he always tried not to feel offended when someone did not need him. It happened to many times, he had to shield himself from feeling.

Kimber shocked him with her final decision, but only because she previously seemed so attached to him. People not really liking him was not unknown to him, he was used to it, that was one of the reasons why he went into short relationships, in anticipation of women breaking up with him he had to do it before they got round to it. It hurt less that way. Besides, he liked his space, being able to decide everything alone. But seemed like he didn't even know himself. He found himself singing the song "You Needed Me," to himself recently and feeling it was completely on spot with his own inner self at that moment and that shook him to his bones. It sometimes did feel so important to be needed. He could play that with Abby and it would be reciprocal. So is love needing someone and being needed by them, that when you are together with this person it completes you. With Kimber he didn't have to think about that, it just happened naturally, but would it be less perfect if he had to work on it and happened in a more calculated way? He knew she wanted him for sure, but yet she rejected him in her own way. What did he have to do to get her back?

It was ridiculous. All confusing in his mind, values, emotions, goals. It happened to people who avoided thinking much. He could've got any woman, right enough, for a week or two, and he had to have a yen about this one who looked less than just what the doctor, himself, would order. His normal tricks did not and would not work, but he could give it a shot. No way was he gonna tell her he loved her in his own way. First he would have to meet her. She didn't turn up anymore when he asked, so he'll pay her a visit trying to avoid her father. From all Abby told him the old man was pretty harmless, but he still didn't like him for some reason. Maybe because he was genetically and situationally responsible for making Abby look the way she was. At some level, he saw himself in the guy as well, he was trying to trick her into thinking she was ugly, just like him and the rest of the universe. But beauty's only a conventional value. One he was constantly cashing on it, one he got used to measuring people by when he was at the same time somewhere aware that it was all a fake gauge. It benefited him to use it, because he was quite high on that particular scale of society. That was why it felt so ridiculous going out with her, but it was so good feeling superior to her too. Only that he wasn't. Not so much when it came to acceptance and hope for happiness. But no worries, he will trick her into being exactly what he needed. Should be a piece of cake, there weren't many things money and his charms couldn't buy. He knew if he succeeded in manipulating her into a sexual situation, she would be too eager to oppose. Further on, usually there was no further on. He'll have to think of something. But that will be then. Enjoyment comes first.

tbc


	10. In A Straight Line

Chapter 10: In A Straight Line

Since for the first time in the history of their relationship it proved final that Abby wouldn't answer his calls. He had women bailing out on him before, but he really didn't expect that from Abby, especially after the fabulous offers he had made to her. Yet, somewhere deep down he hoped she would behave like this, making herself that valuable person in his eyes he hoped she was. Had to put their relationship right, turn it around to a normal state where he was more in control though, so he ventured out to her house at 10pm. Her car wasn't there. She may have never came home from work, so he called her. It was the answer machine of her cell picking up, he still told her he was at her house waiting for her. Because nothing happened for another while, he climbed out of his car and contemplated the possibility of climbing up to her room, waiting for her there sleeping. Then he dismissed it, not because it was illegal or dangerous, but because it occurred to him the ridiculousness of him acting like a Romeo. Not to mention Abby wasn't Julia. Even if she would've been his, correction, Sean's Julia, he would've never done such a thing. It was then that the light from the television screen seemed to have been switched off down in the living room and a few seconds later some bedroom light got switched on upstairs. Must've been Abby's father waking up from his drunken sleep and deciding it was time for a proper one. If the old man was harmless, he wouldn't cause any waves even if he knew Christian was interested in his daughter. He could be as honest as he wanted, it wouldn't distort his image one bit. The old bastard didn't matter. So, he rang the bell. There was no answer so she rang again. And again, shifting his weight from foot to foot as he waited for some kind of answer. Now he heard heavy steps from behind the door and it finally opened.

Mr. Mays' brow arched in annoyance, "you?"

"I'm sorry, is Abby here by any chance?"

"Why?"

"I need to talk to her."

"Why?"

"I need her."

A smile twitched to life on the tired man's face, "the direct approach. I can't tell you how comforting that is. Call me Alex, son. Come in."

Christian returned the smile, musing about how far from the "son" he was, wondering what exactly did the old man think about him and what did just Abby tell him about him, "Christian," he took the hand that was offered to him, "so you don't mind Abby spending her money on surgeries?"

"On surgeries she doesn't really need? Sure I do. But I don't mind you dripping for her. Cause let's be honest. That is what you're doing. Abby always tells eventually. Had some strange tastes myself back in the days. Abby's mother for one. She takes after her in some ways. I never should've touched the bangster, but then again I'd do it again if I could. She's not there by the way. Abby's at work."

"Now?? I would call that proper overtime. Who does that?"

Alex shrugged, "charity business. She gets off on those. She's a mixture of a saint and a pixie, but then again, we all are. You know where the office is? Wouldn't mind somebody checking out if she's really there. You never know with Abby..."

tbc


	11. Status Check

Chapter 11: Status Check

The hot evening deepened into an similarly warm night, perhaps the hottest of the year. Christian could feel the humidity in the air and fanned himself with the piece of paper Alex Mays wrote the address down for him. Still, he was sweating, making him undo most of the buttons of his shirt without any really conscious thought, leaving only one button in the middle undone. After parking his car, he was walking around tentatively, searching for the small building with a low roof and with the right street number he knew had already passed when driving, but couldn't stop in front of because of the road works. His expectations were confirmed when seeing light inside. He walked toward the small building and opened the door, looking around the small space full of boxes and bags jam-packed of things, searching for the woman in question. You could say the room was a complete mess and if Abby was in charge here that somehow didn't surprise him. She just seemed the type of person who seemed comfortable in the midst of total chaos. It wasn't quite total chaos there, but did make him a bit uneasy. If there was order in the house, he could pretend everything was fine and there was order in his mind as well. Abby obviously didn't need or use such pretences.

He could hear her voice from somewhere the back, "that needs to go too. Put it over with the rest."

"This is the one we've been looking for," said one of the two men who responded to her command, wearing an appalling bottle green shirt as far as Christian's up to date fashion sense was concerned, while another woman present kept scribbling on top of a box.

"Hold the base still, I don't want it to fall," Abby said ordering those two around with a voice full of confidence, in her element obviously.

With that, the green shirt guy, another candidate for lipo, nodded and everyone did as they were asked.

Christian paused a little watching the scene play out, hidden from sight behind another pile of carefully sealed boxes with fragile written all over them. It didn't seemed to be his arena, and he had never seen a situation where Abby appeared to be in so much in charge. It was a new side to her he needed to take in before taking another step, "you're very good at that," he waved towards her.

Abby looked up in disbelief at hearing his voice, then bent down, intuitively trying to hide behind the pile of boxes she just opened to check the contents over for the purposes of the customs. There was no point, he was definitely leaning on the doorframe, "good at what?" She asked and swallowed seeing his purposefully showing upper body. He knew he was looking great, so he was always taking advantage of it. Trade of those who can.

"Ordering people around. You do a very good job as a commander-in-chief..."

"That's only because I've had people to learn from," she rolled her eyes, referring not so much to her recent past with Christian, but more her mother while walking over to him. Her gaze wandered over him, then stopped at his chest briefly before she tore her eyes off the view and tried to remember what her next task would've been.

Christian watched her obvious surprise with a self-important grin, not escaping her swallowing at the sight of his pretty bare torso. He knew it would be very easy to seduce her. But he had to be disappointed, at least for now.

"I'm sorry, I don't have time for this now, whatever it is Christian. We'll leave as possible," she shoved a few small boxes they didn't need against the wall.

"Leaving? Where?"

"India. The earthquake? Two weeks ago?"

"Two weeks ago? Than what's the rush?"

Abby looked up, a bit amazed by the oblivious answer. She shook her head. He might be a hunk, but he lives his life shutting his eyes to these things. Many people like it that way, it was pointless explaining. You can not feel guilty about the state of the world if you avoided knowing how it really looked like.

"Let's make a pact." He said then, pulling his check book out and writing a number on the right side. He showed it to Abby, "see, how much I'm willing to offer for your services," he whispered, "this is your organisation's if you stay."

"Check? Good," she snatched it. "Five thousand. Not bad. But we need hands. Surgeon's hands and medical supplies."

"Then give it back."

"Shove it Christian," she crumpled the piece of unsigned paper up, "we really need people. You know you could see everything in a different light if you were out there. You could be thankful for what you have."

Christian shrugged, "Quentin did it in Africa from what I've heard. It didn't reform him."

"What?" Abby didn't quite understand what he was talking about.

"This!" He pulled her out the door and pressed her to it from the outside.

Abby was expecting some kind of sexual violence from him, so she was stunned to be given nothing more than a velvety, featherlike caress of her lips with his. It was loving, tantalizing and pleasant.

He grinned down at her, his eyes surprisingly affectionate as she had never seen them before, "what does it take to convince you to come with me for a night?"

"Come and do surgeries on the earthquake victims. You need to get away from everything here. If people are unhappy they need to do something to change that."

"And I'll be happy in India?!?"

Abby shook her head, "I've seen many doctors in tears on occasions like this. They are working with people who are dying, people without somewhere to stay, sanitation, and they cannot cope with the trauma. But it changes every one of them. They either stay back home and count their blessings or are forever bind to an unwritten obligation to go out over and over again and help people. When was the last time you really helped somebody?"

"Pro-bono work if that counts for you?"

"I suppose..."

"Hey, who's getting her standards high? And I though you wanted some more fat off your arse."

"Be a real doctor Christian. Be a man."

"I'm not man enough for you?"

"Not like that, no."

"Hmm. How long would you go for?"

"Everybody can come home at any time if they had enough. Even after a couple of days."

"Really? How are you going? Are there pretty little toilets on the plane? If you didn't put too much on we could fit into it together, what do you think?"

tbc


	12. Just Round The Corner

Chapter 12: Just Round The Corner

When the engines roared into existence, indicating the start of the scheduled passenger flight to New York where they were supposed to get their connection to Delhi, but even before the plane started moving, Christian's fingers were wound tightly round the arm-rests and he was inwardly screaming desperately for someone to let him off. And it certainly wasn't because he was changing his mind about going. Oh, no. He was never intending to go. He just accompanied her to New York, where he could turn it around after he got what he came for. They could continue the relationship when she came back once there was a relationship. But she didn't need to know that just yet. The fact that he got on a plane for her should be enough. It was something big in his mind, a big sacrifice of such, cause he hated planes, never much analysing why, but he would never get on a plane apart from in extreme circumstances such as doing what once seemed to be his last surgery together with Sean. Now he was doing it for somebody who looked like Abby, but he felt drawn to her feeling she had all the solutions for the problems in his life. He swallowed hard when the plane gained speed, edgy and gritting his teeth.

"If your time's up, your time's up," the green shirt guy, or as he was introduced, Bernie Conley, the ex fire fighter (wonder why just ex), grinned at him from across the other side of the aisle.

Christian quietly growled at this and Abby put his hand on his, keeping it there till the plane passed the clouds and settled into a uniform rhythm. He wanted to shove her hand away, pretending there was nothing wrong, especially if it was about something as silly as this, but found himself unable to.

However, she released his hand by own accord, "I'll try and get some sleep," she said, "you should too."

"Why sleep??"

"We need to use every moment now. We might not get the chance for a few weeks after that!"

"Toilet? I'll be quick? Before the queue starts before it. Come on Abby, I'm too wired to sleep. Unless I was sidetracked by something more pleasant then looking out into the darkness!" He leaned over to touch her lips for a moment, but enough to start an erection in anticipation of what could come. He needed her to feel the same, so his hands travelled down her shirt and downwards to her pants.

"What are you doing? Not here!" She pushed his hand away.

Christian pulled back and gave her a look, "well the exact location would be..." He indicated backwards to the end of the aisle with his head while running his fingers along her inner thigh.

"Don't...I'm in a serious capacity here."

"That's why I came damn it!" Christian tried to keep his voice down, frustrated. Who was this bitch fucking with? He tightened his grip on her thigh, making her moan in sudden pain.

That pain was good, pain was life. Sometimes she forgot how good, but it kept surprising her when it excited her over and over again, when her logical mind told her it made no sense. But it was an old friend, pain was understanding, a reaction perfected to a level where somewhere, it really was. It was a pleasure moan, she realised. She shouldn't be doing this. Now only as a powerless spectator she witnesses Christian slowly going into her pants again, making stroking motions, then pulling his hand back and towards his mouth, licking his finger.

"Don't tell me I don't know what the fluid of you desiring me tastes like."

"Yeah, yeah, I need you," she whispered, "but this is not what you should do," she tried with her last effort not loosing the image in her co-workers eyes she worked for so much over the years.

"Why? Is it not good sweetheart?

"Yeah, you fulfilled that legacy all right," she put her mind to work in hope it will overpower her senses.

"What legacy?"

"If you were made to think you were merely good for sex it's not startling you would believe it. Your sense of well being and self esteem gets hooked up with sexual desirability..."

"Who are we talking about here?"

Abby disregarded him and continued, "sex would be the primary way to feel connected and cared for. It's a source of power, to gain control. Discarding the item you used is part of that domination game. And you have to listen to me if you don't want me asleep."

"If someone wants me of course I have sex with them. Most people could be good enough for that if they wanted to work on it," Christian was squirming in his seat. All this talk had nothing to do with his erection. It would still be noticeable to anyone should he stand, "no one is going to heal the exact same way. So don't you worry about me. Now let's go," he took a hold of her hand and unfastened her seat belt.

There he was, telling her that he wanted her. The man of her dream. How long could she keep saying no for the sake of appearances when he was sitting next to her with a hard on? It was so good to be this close to him. It hardly took a few seconds till the plastic door closed over behind them, her skirt was pulled up and his erection was pressing against her now in the tight space that was too much for any person afraid of this kind of spaces.

He moved his hips a little so that he stimulated her without entering her, knowing exactly what he was doing. She moved forward to encourage him in.

"Patience dear," he said, taking control, breaking all her opposing by having it all his way. The source of power, gaining control, so it was, but he didn't care right there and then.

When five minutes later, both satisfied, sat back into his seat Christian felt himself being what she said he wanted to be, sexually attractive. Bloody hell, he hated when she was right, and she often was. Now how was he going to get out of going all the way to India if he wanted to prove her wrong on the discarding thing? Maybe if he really went just for a couple of days?

tbc


	13. Beyond Doubt

Note: I'm disclaiming life. Most of this had really happened.

Chapter 13: Beyond Doubt

"And Sean? There's a letter for you from India. It's there on your desk right in front of you," Liz popped her head in Sean's office door after having forgotten to tell him that when he passed her desk a minute ago.

"He dares to send letters now?" Sean fumed, having not heard from Christian for a month. He just left him there having to hire another surgeon to cope with the demands of the surgery after a short message on his phone the day they took off. Not to mention the profits going down with the new employee.

"Let me know what he has to say," Liz added before shutting the door behind herself to leave Sean reading in peace. The lots of stress Sean endured before finally deciding to hire somebody was still noticeable and she spend most of her time avoiding him.

Sean sighed and opened the letter with his finger, not waiting to find his letter opener he would've had to rummage in his desk drawer for. He was impatient to find out when Christian would be back so that he could fall out with him all the right ways when he got to work. Now, his mid life crisis a few years back was a lot more low key. Why was Christian doing this? Tensely he unfolded the paper and without leaning back on his chair he started reading.

Dear Sean,

this whole area looks like as if it has been hit by a bomb. My initial thought was that it is a surprise anyone survived at all. Our job was to set up a children's surgery next to the orphan's tent that would give each one of them a full check-up, a patient record and immunisations. The immediate focus was to make sure that the kids who survived stayed physically and mentally well. But in this zone, workers like Abby have to go up mountains to get to kids who, as well as coping with the aftershocks of the quake, require protection from the impact of trauma and disease. Children are at risk also because they did not get the tetanus vaccine when they were younger. I observed in one facility that tetanus vaccines were not being stored in cold boxes, which could make them ineffective. Consequently people might be getting vaccines that have no effect.

A lot of adults and kids will undoubtedly need artificial limbs in due course which means that even kids have to be taught how to clean their own wounds, or attach false limbs and a long-term concern is physiotherapy to help them cope with living as disabled individuals.

It's a vast region and there are unqualified people out there. In such bedlam, people who are not appropriately skilled will be administering the vaccine improperly. It's maddening. We are not practising proper sterilisation, cleanly not adhering to minimum health standards. They are running makeshift operations. Sterilisation takes a long time and if you don't have a lot of instruments, you don't have any choice.

There are a huge number of patients that require treatment. Surgeries are going on all through the night.

Today I went to an Italian and a Saudi tent hospital, they have operation theatres and can put up 50 patients each. These are really helping the situation. They are self-reliant.

Yesterday, we went on foot to some of these areas. The population is scattered far and wide. We found a few houses in need of help all over the place, it's not concentrated. They are living in complete misery. The patients are outside under tents. I can catch sight of a few being carried in by stretcher. People are in a horrifying condition but there is not much that we can do. We don't really have the right surgical equipment. We have kidney specialists, we have some dialysis units but there is no electricity and no water so how can we install them? There is no logistical organisation. We have no idea how many supplies are actually needed, how many patients there are, how many there could be, even how many doctors are in the area.

There is an very unpleasant smell since the town is full of dead bodies. People have come from small mountain villages carrying the injured on their shoulders, walking for days. We have heard terrifying stories. The situation here is desperate.

There are teams from all over the globe and somebody has to synchronize them. Preferably somebody who's already been here for a while and roughly knows what is where and how. We are going to lead them to the areas facing the direst need when they arrive, up to the mountains tomorrow. There won't be any way of getting a letter to the post from there. There'll be hundreds of patients there too as given the conditions now there's an epidemic of chest infections, respiratory tract problems here. I haven't fucked in three weeks and I don't know what next. All I know is that I can't come back right now.

Christian

Sean didn't put the letter down. Now, with different emotions he started reading it again from the top when Linda burst in, "you have to come to the tea room to see the news. Another earthquake! Same place as before with a minimum magnitude of 7.9 on the scale, stronger than last month's dreadful quake!"

Liz squeezed past her co-worker to come face to face with her employer, "Sean? Is Christian still there?"

tbc


	14. In Practice

Chapter 14: In Practice

Shivering in the cold clear night, Abby cast a last glance at the good view of the moon she had always liked since she was little and stepped into the newly raised tent that served as a hospital on the plateau. She had spent the last four days looking for survivors, digging frenetically in the mud and debris with shovels and her bare hands to chip through the ruins of crushed mud-and-stone houses and concrete apartment buildings to free bodies and possible survivors. At first, there were hopes of finding people alive after voices were heard coming from the ruins, teams with Labrador retriever sniffer dogs scaled mounds of crumbling brick and steel to search for signs of life. Sirens blared and helicopters searched the rural area for more damaged dwellings in a region where many people lived in remote enclaves miles from neighbours.

But now they reached the stage when they haven't pulled a live body out for some time. At this point more and more people, even relatives hoping to find a love one were giving up, either because they lost hope, or because of exhaustion. Abby's already been there last night that she spent in a makeshift tent fashioned from plastic sheeting when despite the trauma, she was asleep the moment her head hit the pillow.

Now she was intending to spend the night of an unsuccessful day a little bit more comfortable. But first she had to find Christian. She was hoping she would find him where she'd left him four days ago, right there at the hospital tent, just after a large proportion of the mountainside gave away and covered the entire unlucky village they reached that day, or at least somebody could tell her where to get hold of him. She would've considered staying with him if his injuries would've been more serious, but he'd assured her it was just a badly bruised leg and that the large gash on the side of his head meant nothing.

Abby paced the area looking for a nurse. They would probably know of a doctor's whereabouts if he was around at all. Female nurse, preferably, not even in this chaos did many women miss the opportunity to take a good look at the plastic surgeon. She could see nobody wearing a nurse outfit, but there was somebody inserting a needle in a man's wrist. Seemed like a good bet.

"Hi. I'm looking for Dr. Christian Troy from American Red Cross."

The girl shrugged, "try over there. You see the tall African woman with the green top on? Dr. Kree. She's in charge here."

Abby stepped over to the indicated person a few beds down the hallway between beds, feeling a little strange to address the middle aged woman obviously busy with reanimation. She stepped to the other side of the bed she was working on, "Dr. Kree? I'm with the Red Cross. I believe my colleague was working here? Dr. Christian Troy. But he was injured with the last aftershock too, so I dunno..."

Dr. Kree didn't take her eyes off her patient, "how does he look like?"

"Hmm...white...tall, dark and handsome? Green eyes..."

"Arrogant with women."

"That will be the one."

"In the back. There's a list with names and bed numbers on the wall."

"Bed numbers?"

"Immediate PTS."

"What?"

"I thought you knew of his head injury. He's had a few seizures...give her vasopressin 40 IU," she obviously turned her attention fully back to her patient giving orders to another nurse now leaving Abby wander off in search of the list.

After standing still for a few moments digesting the information, Abby turned around, eyes searching the area. She went along the tent wall till she happened upon a stained, yellowed piece of paper, with names crossed over it several times. She scanned it and there it was, Troy, nr. 26, American. She slowly walked down the passage between beds and people lying on the floor now, no numbers on either, not looking forward to what she was going to find. She brought Christian here, she was responsible for whatever state he was in. Looking up she spotted an area with beds secluded with curtains and there seemed to be some numbers there. By the time she reached number twenty she got confused by what she was going to say and stopped short in front of twenty six when she caught a glimpse of an IV slowly dripping behind there. She had seen so much devastation, but it still hurt more if it was about somebody she cared about. She shuddered. Days spent out in the cold had made her bones properly chilly and the tent's moderately acceptable temperature didn't manage to heat her up either. Instead of taking her jacket off, she tugged at the sides of it to tighten it around herself.

"Cold?" Christian's voice called out from the dimly seen stubbly features appearing in front of her as he pulled the curtain aside a little to let her in. Then he lifted his cover, "come on, heat up."

Abby climbed in hesitantly, feeling the heat from his body contain her, safe from the unfriendliness of the outside world.

He pulled her tighter, glad to see a familiar face. He was astonished finding out over the last weeks how dedicated she was, stronger than he could ever believe a woman to be. Nothing was the same anymore. Sean, the practice, Julia was a distant memory. Even Kimber or who he thought himself to be. Nothing mattered if he wanted to lie to himself and play numb as he would usually do when under emotional pressure, but the truth was that everything mattered too much and it hurt people even if he denied it.

After a few silent moments shared, Abby started to wander if he was avoiding conversation the same way she did. It was better that way. There wasn't much anybody could say given the circumstances. People went out there and did what they had to do although there was not much anybody could do about it. Who were they kidding? There was only so much anybody could do to change the situation and it's been done. All it was is very humbling. She knew from previous experience that back home and after a while she'll feel proud and think she'd done something to help, but right now all she could feel was the imprint of a frozen image in her mind-the immense devastation stretching for miles, covering all her visual field with shapes picking their way through the mess. "I'm sorry you got involved with all this. I would've never asked you to come if I knew what's going to happen. Are you gonna be ok?"

"Sodium valproate is usually the drug of choice and they've got it here. The risk of PTS decreases with time and goes into spontaneous remission thereafter...there's no way of telling for sure intracranial bleed until I can get an MRI or even a CT."

"Why have you not been taken to Delhi yet then to get it done?"

"Hm?? You seem to be unaware of the madness around here. And it's a maybe. I can't even say myself it's a priority, given the number of people I've seen bleed out here. You know what I'd think would be a priority though? Setting up some showers in... Where are you going now?"

"I know of a Belgian team that's leaving tomorrow. I'm sure they've got room to take you."

"Stay, the Belgians will be there later," he held out his hand and pulled her back down till their lips connected very gently. It felt as if there was no room for anything else destructive in any way in the universe around them than what had nature already done. It was barely a touch, then his kisses became more eager. "Are you still cold?" He tugged at her jacket, then her shirt.

"Eeeoo...people with head injuries are advised to do this?"

"I've been waiting for you for days. I need to hold you. You must need someone to hold you too to make you feel out of harm's way regardless of this horror."

"Holding is not equal to having sex Christian...eh, never mind, men are not supposed to understand that" she leaned against him, "I'm not even intending to show how it works without it cause it's impossible."

"No, I understand. You're exhausted, I should be on the safe side and not tempt fate."

"Ah, so, you don't really understand if that's your basis for not doing it," Abby looked at Christian making sure they were really talking about different reasons of why they shouldn't have sex, but then settled back on his chest, intertwining her fingers with his. She sighed, then after another few silent minutes she started to shed tears in silence.

He didn't know how to help her. All he could do was hold her and cry with her. They stayed like that for a long, long time till she sighed and tried to relax, knowing she needed the sleep.

She found that the sound of his heartbeat was comforting her, "you have to wake me up before daybreak so I can speak to those Belgian people."

tbc


	15. Touchtone

Chapter 15

"McNamara."

"Julia? Hi. It's Kimber calling."

"Kimber?? How are you?"

"I'm fine. I know I'm out of the blue like this, but I was wandering...is Christian ok?"

"Why?" Julia certainly wasn't going to tell her any bad news about her ex fiancé if she just phoned up driven by emotions after leaving Christian and had no idea about the rescue operations.

"Well...I dunno...I never watch the news. So I was just changing channels and switched to CNN by mistake when they were writing out the names of the American rescue workers who were injured in the earthquake in India and...what do you think how many Dr. Christian Troys are in America? And I mean what are the chances of me stumbling over the news at that particular point? But I remember the moment. I believe in these kinda things, destiny and all that. I felt drawn to not immediately switch over, I have no idea why. And there it was. So it might sound weird, but did Christian go to India by any chance? I highlight of course why on earth would he? Not to mention the fear of flying thin..."

"Kimber."

"Yes?"

"Christian's been very all over the place, as in more than usual since you left. I have no idea what he wanted to achieve with going to India and neither does Sean. In fact..."

"What? There was nothing specific about injuries in the news."

"He'll be okay I think. He called here this morning and Sean's just left to fly out to Delhi to get him. I really don't know much else since he shut us out of his life for the last while."

"You sound like you reproach me that."

"Well, yeah! You pretty much walked out on him no explanations."

"As he walks out on so many women, no explanations. And in fact, I did give him an explanation."

"And what would that be?"

"I wasn't exactly coherent and not under shock at that point you know??! But...after what happened to me...I needed someone predictable, someone who would love and protect me for the rest of my life, not someone who was going to take me for a ride and then cause me grief."

"I've never seen him trying more than when she was with you. You love him, why isn't that enough?"

"Okay Julia, why wasn't he ever good enough for you? Don't tell me it's some different reason. I'm dead right."

"Is that what you're still worried about? Me?" Julia exclaimed, unsure whether to laugh or cry, "I'm pregnant again. It's Sean's."

"Like that would ever stop you. Forget it. It's not just you, you know that," she mumbled. Kimber sighed, fed up with a life of arguments, "forget I even called. So he's okay, right?" Kimber asked, trying not to sound as worried as she was. She had to keep it together and not go into an argument with Julia so she finds out about Christian.

"He will be when he gets the rest and time he needs."

"That's good. Look, Julia, I'm sorry for calling. I obviously thought Sean will pick up at this time at night since I had no idea you two were back together. Christian's too complicated for me. I can't do this right now."

"Right now? What's that supposed to mean? You intend to walk into and out people's lives at some other point?"

"I know you're angry and I probably understand why, but I'm trying to build a life here the right way! And arguing with you would be what I'd do in the past and not now, so just leave it. Thanks for letting me know about Christian. Don't tell him I called."

The sound of the phone hanging up on the other line stopped Julia from spitting out all she thought about Kimber and her crazy ways, but now all she could do was slamming the receiver back on the hook in annoyance and shaking her head. Christian and his women. How much better was Kimber than Gina??

tbc


	16. Degrees

Chapter 16: By Degrees

Sean has never been to India. In fact, he's never really been anywhere. Some holidays Julia had managed to drag him away from his busy working schedule and take him to the Grand Canyon or to Silver Mountain, but that was when Matt was little, Annie was just a baby and they were playing happy families. Going to Florida's Gulf Islands on Christian's boat was a really short break too since they both found the white sandy beaches, wildlife and the string of untouched natural islands a little bit too remote for their taste. Given his maiden status as far as Asia was concerned, Sean was pretty much in awe to find skyscrapers, suburban colonies and busy business complexes cheek-by-jowl with remnants of the distant past and a different civilisation. But there was no time for that just now.

The counter in the cab showed him they were about 12 miles from Indira Gandhi International Airport when it stopped before Intercontinental Park Royal Nehru Place Hotel in South Delhi's business district.

"Sean McNamara, I'm here to see Christian Troy," he announced to the one of the two receptionists at the desk.

"Are you the doctor? We were expecting you earlier."

"Yes. Hold ups at the airport," he granted, not feeling the need to explain anything else to a stranger.

"Right this way, sir" said the addressed, looking at the other receptionist. When that nodded, he came round the desk and motioned Sean to follow him to an elevator that was behind a wall. When they were inside and started moving, the receptionist leaned closer a bit, "room number 506. But I came with you given the precarious situation so I can tell you that we are hoping you could arrange or convince Mr. Troy to arrange for proper care? We understand he has seizures, but I'm sorry, we can't operate a service where we stop him wander off into other rooms in a confused and disorderly state after the episodes. You have to understand, he gave a fright to quite a lot of our other guests. We of course explained the matter to them, and he's certainly welcome to stay at our hotel. I apologise once again for having to highlight you this problem. See you soon, we'll be there if you need anything," he shoved an electronic door card into Sean's hand, "have a nice day".

The doors of the elevator opened once again and with a last look at the receptionist, Sean walked down the hall looking for the number and dreading what he'll find behind it.

The room looked and smelled as if it was recently cleaned and the bed was made. All like an ordinary hotel room, satellite TV, coffee and tea, minibar, telephone.

He could see no sight of Christian in the half darkness, the room only illuminated by the lamp next to the bar. "Hello?" He touched the wall, searching for the switch.

"Don't flick the light on...headache."

When Sean heard Christian's voice he traced it. He turned around and now he could see him sitting by the window, being reminded of a similar situation when he went to assess the damage after Christian had tried to fix his own broken nose and he had found him sitting in the darkness just like now.. He sighed, relieved just by the sight of him. He didn't even realise how concerned he was, especially after what the receptionist told him. "Christian..." He started, more in a worried tone than he intended. He was supposed to be angry with him for disappearing like that. He was angry with him. He had been bottling it up for weeks to be able to spill it out at him when he comes back. But not now, he was here to silently do his job and help him. No time for reproaches. He wasn't even sure he will reproach him anything now, or ever. But he did want to understand him, why he did what he did, he was his friend above all else. Of course he wasn't doing that now either. Instead, he sat down on the nearby bed. Feeling all the initial awkwardness behind them he asked uneasily, "how are you doing?"

Christian was staring out the window at the Lotus Temple and at the nine-hole putting green, part of the hotel amenities. Even here, in the capital, which was only minorly affected by the earthquake, people were going about their business, entertainment and enjoyments as if nothing had happened just as oblivious as he had once been when it wasn't up his alley. The world was that weird, ridiculous and selfish. "Sometimes I wish I never came," he admitted. "I spent a whole that damn month on that freakin mountain. The stench from not being able to shower is still on me...I'm exhausted and sore and fed up and terrified and... so much death, so much pain..." He stopped, closing his eyes.

Sean reached out and gently took his hand. He didn't want to imagine what Christian could've been through, he well remembered the suffering he had seen when they assisted at a plane crash when Julia thought her mother was on the plane. He had no intentions to find out anything about that, at least not now. First he needed to take care of his friend and concentrated on what he could. He was better with physical injuries than psychological ones anyway. He picked out the only word in Christian's sentence that could bring him to what he was aiming at, "sore?"

"Sore muscles," he nodded, "overwhelming overtiredness and impaired co-ordination."

"Normal after effect of seizures," Sean tried to reassure him.

"There's nothing normal about this situation Sean! Even if we can manage to find the right doze of the right medication that could control the seizures, how can I live like this? I can't do surgeries! I can't drive! I can't go looking for a god damn pussy! And not to mention that shower I can't take by myself..." He took a ragged, deep breath.

"I know you are nervous and in your position I would be too, but didn't you say the MRI was fine? The risk PTS decreases... "

"Decreases with time and reaches the normal value for the population at 5 years after the head injury," interrupted Christian continuing the way they all learnt from the text book, "five years Sean!"

When he looked at Sean and as close as he was he could see his eyes it was his time to be scared by the despair he could see in them, "nobody said it should last that long in your case."

Christian continued as if he didn't hear his partner, "do you know how it's like finding yourself somewhere and not knowing how you got there? When I'm not confused I sleep and when not than I get a headache!"

"That should calm down. You only tried one type of medication? Well, there are plenty to try after doing an EEG to localize seizure foci and for prognosticating their severity. You'll be fine."

"Bastard." We both know you're lying, so what's the point of saying it.

"Well, after a while."

"Okay," Christian whispered without conviction, "...what the hell has happened to the world??"

"Why did you come here Christian?"

"I came...how can I describe my feelings in words, when I cant even define them? More like I stayed because I thought what I was wanting is my purpose in life. I did find it. But now I can't do anything about it because I'm a cripple. So, where do I go from here? That is a tough question, isn't it? I don't think I have any answers. Why is it when you think things can't get worse the bottom keeps falling? What do you do when this happens? How much farther can it go?"

Sean opened his eyes wide. He would've wanted to say, you work to forget. Workaholism was the answer for him. But in the situation wasn't appropriate for him to say that. So he patted Christian's arm, "let's just get you home first."

tbc


	17. Bits And Pieces

Chapter 17: Bits And Pieces

Christian was lying on the bed with his hands folded behind his neck and let his eyes wander over the mess that was his bedroom. He turned to his bedside cabinet and looked at the remains of food from last night and wrinkled his nose at the litter, then picked up the blanket that had somehow landed on the floor, but decided to leave the cleaning up till later as Abby just came out from her morning shower.

She was all dressed up to his surprise. He threw a pillow at her, more irritated than in a playful way, adding to the clutter, "how did you manage to mess up my apartment in just a day?"

"Just wanted to make it homey, you grouchy old morning hog," she shrugged, "just the way I feel good and that's it...every item has personality if there's chaos, if it's order they are just stuff. A genius can see through chaos, only ordinary people need order."

"Well I don't like it. I can see your point, but I still think it's full of shit. I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to do it my way at least in my damn condo."

Abby had to bite the insides of her cheeks not to scream in annoyance. He was so nice to her when she arrived back yesterday when she finally left India behind after another month of helping to rebuild what was lost there. Why did he always have to feel the need to revert back to his insufferable self? "You see I can forgive and forget people when they offend me and start loving them again, especially if I know they need to learn some more things about relationships, but you can't expect me to remain impartial all the time, I'm only human."

"Whatever," Christian rolled over and presented her with his sexy backside, a sure sign that he's lost interest, "you're widest at the mouth in fact. Do you have to turn everything into a serious discussion?" He grunted dismissively as he turned his attention to trying to find under a pile of bedding that Abby must've thrown there, the helmet he was still wearing out of precaution when showering, if Abby was so not nice and didn't wake him up so they could have a shower together. Even if Divalproex turned out to be a superdrug for him stopping any seizures from the moment he started to take it, he still preferred to have somebody in the shower with him, not to mention other possibilities that could've offered now that he was confident enough in his own abilities to take them. If he could get rid of the nausea, vomiting and abdominal pain that were the side effects of the drug, as in stop using it, he could be back to who he was before. But time hasn't come to safely stop taking medication yet and apart from that, the way Abby blabbered on, things would never get back to normal.

"I have to," Abby continued, proving his point, "you see if everybody would think about these things the world could be a better place. And you shouldn't challange me at that particular issue, you know I have a problem with it. I really want to acquire this grey colour, whereby I can forgive people but not forget what they have done to me unless there is a heartfelt change of behaviour. Though I have come a long way in my healing and blossoming in this area, this is a bit where I still struggle and have relapses."

"My behaviour has nothing to do with how I was before," he cursed himself inwardly for engaging in discussion, but since he was, he turned back to her. She could always make him argue somehow in a way that opened him up to her in that special relationship he had solely with her. He'd been gone so far both ways in her company, he happened to show all his good and bad sides to her so far, it didn't really make any difference what he was doing now. Hell, he could even be himself. Kimber and Sean had seen most of what he had within as well, but maybe not to the extreme Abby experienced. Cause neither of them had seen him make somebody having sex with him with a bag on their heads or immersed in the selfless act of risking his own life to try to save as many strangers as it was possible. It was an experience that would shape him for the rest of his life, the sound like having twenty trains in the room. The buildings just disappeared. It was the most terrifying feel. He spent the next eight hours trying to locate people who he could hear screaming till his PTE stopped him. It took him an hour after the quake to get to the first person in the rubble. In total he helped to pull out nine people, six of whom survived to his knowledge. And Abby was doing this every time some disaster occurred somewhere, something that made him feel inferior to her and thus the more reason he tried to make her feel bad at times. A habit that was hard to break, although he was conscious of doing these things now. He didn't even know what other feelings he has been denying, but the dark areas he knew nothing about inside him scared the hell out of him. So he sat up and shook his head, "are there actually relationships out there in which there isn't a constant control struggle?"

"There are. I haven't really been in one, well, apart from with my dad, but that's a different kinda relationship. I believe people can live in peace with each other."

"You do? After all the ignorance you see mission by mission?"

"After all the selfless acts I see mission by mission. All I see are human beings, and anybody can be a good person or a complete moron no matter where you come from. Circumstances like that tend to bring out the best in people."

"I've seen it," Christian nodded, "in some ways it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

"So you don't regret coming?"

"No, not now."

"Does that mean you would come to help again? I mean you had to get treatment, but that was the only reason why you left?"

"Hey, hey! I'm not well yet. And when I'll be, Sean expects me back. I owe him that."

"Hm. Back to plastic surgery then?"

"My god, why do you have to say it in that despising way? You never complained when I did plastic surgery on the quake victims."

"I guess we live in a live and learn world."

"What's that supposed to mean Abby?"

"That I still have a lot to learn. That people don't change as easy as that."

"You seem to be as clear as mud today or just like your tidying up methods. You told me yourself before you can't change people. Nobody can," Christian's eyes narrowed in annoyance at the futile conversation, turning into an argument. Cause will he admit to change or even to the need to change? Not on any good day like this.

She was staring at him, clearly thinking. Christian gave her time to come back with a line, or rather just turn back to what he was doing initially and fish for the helmet.

"I better go," she finally told him, biting her lip and making him drop the helmet again as he quickly turned back to her again not really comprehending what she was on about.

"Why?" Christian asked.

"'Cause if I don't go right now, we are gonna argue. You're in that mood."

"I'm in that mood??" He grabbed for his pants, trying to follow her out the living room.

"Call me if you want," Abby thrown the ball back to him again and he let her leave. What else could he have said. He knew that according to Abby's standards, those very standards he came to realise were the right ones, he was not much more than shit and nothing could change that. Well, he could, change. Abby always did this to him. Left him to digest. Did she know what she was doing? Did she know he would always eventually come round to her way after a while? Cause where did this good day come from? Where did all his good days came from these days? From the world Abby showed him.

tbc


	18. World Over

Chapter 18: World Over

Christian redraped the patient's skin flaps and tailored them appropriately. He closed the rhytidectomy incisions in the standard way and applied a circumferential compression facelift dressing. It should've been straightforward and easy for a practiced surgeon like him, but it was the first time he was well enough to be allowed into the operation room to complete a surgical procedure all by himself since his illness.

Sean has already went home, he deserved it after the amount of overtime he had on board despite the extra surgeons they had to employ. He was also getting ready helping Julia with the dinner they wanted to have together to celebrate Christian's comeback. Only that Christian was going to take a surprise with him. The McNamara house was pretty much a sacred place he never dared or even wanted to take any date of his, not to mention how unwelcome Kimber would've been at times. Gina had been there with him, but that was a party and they weren't even together, they were just trying to raise a child together. This time it'll be different. He had never had the courage to show the world that he considered Abby his girlfriend, no, more than that, his guide to life. It was okay for her to visit him at home where nobody could see them together and go on get aways where nobody knew them, but so far he would've considered a chink in the armour for somebody to see playboy himself with Abby. He knew that even Sean and Julia will be shocked, but he had to start somewhere if he was keeping himself to the promise he gave to himself never to treat Abby like shit again. Not that the McNamaras wouldn't appreciate her because of her looks, but they'll still be bewildered because they wouldn't take his relationship seriously given his past and predilection to a certain type of women. But exactly because it didn't work out with his type of women before, he had to try this way too. And they also had a point there, he didn't even know how serious the relationship was and he'd never find out how it could work out unless he started admitting to its existence. Abby didn't however expect him to take such step, she was happy just with him being nice to her in bed, secretly even missing the rough treatment, something she wouldn't express though, given how unhealthy it was for both of them.

The surprise, not even knowing she was going to be a surprise and that she will be surprised herself out of her wits, was waiting for him outside the practice in her car. She was used to dropping him off and giving him lifts to Sean's, home and other places for safety's sake and the legal requirements that require from people with a recent history of seizures to refrain from driving.

"How come you look better every day?" Abby puckered her brow mustering the slightly transparent pink shirt Christian had on and the way the outline of his stomach looked from between the lines of his coat as he sat beside her, "nothing to do with plastic surgery I'm sure."

"Isn't it odd how people feel happy when they get back what they've lost even if they were not happy in that situation they once were in?" Christian theorised attributing his current looks to being healthy and remembering how lost he was before going to India and without Abby.

"Don't tell me you always dress that sexy."

"It's for a reason today Abby, it's for a reason I asked you to put that dress on."

Abby glanced down at herself making sure everything was as Christian wished. He often choose and bought her clothing items, at least shaping her that way, but she didn't mind that. It wasn't as if he was peeling her skin off, making her be somebody she wasn't. She had to admit she started to look more beautiful since Christian was working on her in the ways she let him, not to mention the clever short heels and the straps that rounded around her ankles making her legs look longer and thinner.

"We're going out to dine," Christian continued.

"Eat? My favourite past time? After you of course," Abby joked, then she realised the hidden meaning of what she had just heard, "here in the city?" She reacted as surprised as he was expecting her to be.

"Yes. At Sean's house."

Abby gave him an even more befuddled side glance that Christian enjoyed having played her, then she tried to concentrate on the lorry that was taking too much time turning the corner in front of her. Christian was nothing but good to her over the last time, but she still couldn't shake the memory of their first few encounters. Why was he taking her to Sean's now? It just wasn't something he would do.

"Why are we going there?"

"You'll see. They are kind people. You don't have to be afraid."

"I've seen them before, remember? It's not them I'm afraid of," Abby said seriously, only having to concentrate on the traffic stopping her from starting one of her sermons on the ins and out of Christian Troy, but turned off the highway and onto the road leading to the neighbourhood Sean lived in nevertheless.

Christian smiled to himself. He was sure she didn't know enough about him and he could still surprise her one way or another. So much so this was a Christian he didn't know well enough either.

tbc


	19. Tip Off

Chapter 19: Tip-off

After Sean opened the small glass door on automatic pilot when Christian knocked on it and stepped aside to let him in smiling, Christian pointed towards the door addressing the woman half hidden from view behind his back, "shall we?" Then to her shock he took her hand into his and started walking inside determined, making sure everybody was clear on what her status was supposed to be at the current moment. Just as well he pulled her in, cause she was too shocked to move. After all Christian's speeches about not being able to go out in public with her cause she wasn't willing to take his suggestions on board, this wasn't what she was expecting. Of course she was opposing to his comments, she tried not to internalise them, she had tried not to even hear his criticism about her appearance. They were making her less sure of herself, reinforcing her body image issues. She knew she had to straighten him out about this too, or he just remained detrimental to her mental health and she had to put an end to this relationship.

Julia had her back turned and when she looked it was a somehow familiar, but unexpected face that stepped through the door. She knew she should know who she is, but couldn't quite think given how startling she found her hand being in Christian's, which he, for certainty's sake, supplemented with putting his arm around her instead while guiding her towards the living room area. She had seen him with many women before and she only really felt weirdly jealous once, when he was with the intense Kimber, who was eventually somehow being able to play him according to her will towards the end. Her former customer at the spa was standing before her, as she finally managed to realise, and she was one of the average women she would've never counted amongst the people she should ever get jealous about when it came to Christian. But now that she thought about it, it did seem weird back then as well that he had visited her at the spa after a simple liposuction, "oh, hi. I almost didn't recognise you," she held out a hand for her.

"I hope I'm not disturbing," Abby said uneasily, putting a hand over Christian's stomach, her favourite part of hers, to find some comfort in him over the scrutinising looks of the couple.

"You remember Abby?" Christian turned to Sean, "she used to be a patient, although you didn't have much to do with her."

"Oh, I did do one check up on her I think, yes," Sean forced his amiable professional smile on, something that come so natural to him because of his real kind nature. He turned slightly, fumbling with the television controls and finally picking it up to take it back to the top of the unit, where they kept it when the set wasn't on, "please take a seat, there're some snacks on the table there," he pulled Christian with him on his quest with the tv remote control to the far corner of the room while Julia sat beside Abby and asked her if what she would've liked to drink. Using the opportunity of the two women talking Sean asked Christian while he wasn't heard, "what are you doing with flabby Abby here? Does she think she's your girlfriend or what?" Sean said meaning the way Abby touched him, but not having noticed the hand in hand as they came in. He hasn't seen this side of Christian's for a while and he didn't expect him to play his games at his house, but he was known for occasionally misusing women and God knows he needed a bit of ego boosting while he was ill. Sean meant well with the serious question. As Christian foresaw, he didn't even contemplate the possibility of the two of them being together, the same way as he would dismiss Liz as a possible.

"Abby was my boss in India."

"Oh," Sean paused a moment, then looked up at Christian again, "so she's the culprit?" His intonation showed disbelief.

"Culprit?"

"Why you've behaved so strange leaving the practice."

"I behaved strange because I was down and needed a way out of my life. She offered."

"I dunno what to say. I'll have to ask her how she'd managed to convince you to forget about money."

"Well, ask her," Christian left a stunned Sean behind, going back to Abby not to leave her alone for too long in the unfamiliar surroundings.

"The way they look at me, I wouldn't be surprised if they mistake me for an alien," Abby whispered to him.

Christian laughed softly and squeezed her hand encouragingly, but before he could answer her, Julia leaned in his direction, "could you help me open a bottle of wine please Christian?" She handed him the red wine bottle behind the counter and switched the player on to provide some quiet music, just enough to mask her voice when he asked Christian, "what kinda charade is it you're playing at with that poor girl?"

"You're trying to protect her? Her father does that very well, thank you. What do you think the old bugger does at family dinners?"

"You go to family dinners to her place? And what is it you like at her? She got money or what?" Julia sighed, not so much meaning the appearance, but her loud manners she remembered from the spa. She shook her head. It was either that she didn't understand Christian, or he was up to something again.

"Cause she's nice and soft."

"Pervert," Julia nudged him in the side.

Christian poured the wine into a glass and took a sip of it right away. It took them a while until they got used to Kimber or Gina. Sean and Julia sounded like the mom and dad who needed to approve of his relationships. Weird night this'll gonna be.

tbc


	20. On The Contrary

Chapter 20: On The Contrary

"I'm sorry," Christian said, drawing back from Abby, letting go of her and pushing her away from himself. He lay back down on his bed, crossed his hands over his middle with a grunt and gazed up at the ceiling.

"Christian...? What's wrong?" Abby's disquieted voice asked him, sounding annoyed and frustrated.

" I...I'm not feeling so good...think I ate too much..."

"You don't have to lie. I know," Abby sounded distant suddenly aloof, desperately trying to mask her own feelings in front of herself cause of being too intense, "I don't like it, but I do get it. You don't want me," she said quietly, ready to cry despite all her efforts to keep it under control.

"Abby. Just because I don't get cockish every time doesn't mean I don't want you. If you didn't know that was one of the last reasons for such things? It's usually something physiological. Or it's maybe these joy bags," he pulled his condom off and tossed it, not caring about where it landed in his annoyance and the fear that always engulfed him when his penis didn't work properly for any reason. He exhaled long, telling himself he shouldn't get flustered. But now that he was way off any medication it didn't make sense anymore. Just like the last time it was about Julia till he got it out of

his system, this time it could've been about his continued frustration over the Kimber situation. Only that he had no idea how to solve the problem. A paper bag was not an option however, she respected Abby too much for that now. He could've tried the same thing with an appropriate stranger, God knows how many people with masochist tendencies he knew himself, but than again that might not work either. Abby let out a tiny sniff, she was probably trying hard not to cry. "There are other ways of making you enjoy tonight," he touched her thigh, "we could try a flip flop. That would possibly get me fuckish too? "

"It never will," Abby pushed his hand away unenthusiastically. He sighed in relief at the answer. He had really been feeling downright sick when he touched her right there having forced himself to do so and it certainly had nothing to do with eating too much.

"The last thing I need right now is your lifeless cock reminding me that I can't ever really get you, she sat up, turning her back to him, "we can never make it together, you know that, "she added quietly, "not to mention Julia telling me you could hurt me."

"She told you that? Brilliant. How you say she's concerned about my future ? And why? Does that surprise you? Did you not know I can hurt you?" Christian said sarcastically, shaking his head mockingly, "oh, for get Julia . Let's not even think about how many of my relationships she messed up," he added, thinking of Kimber, "she has nothing to do with this.

"No she hasn't, but she's right. You are who you are. You might not discard me immediately for whatever reason, but you won't ever be happy with me and if so, I can never be happy with you," now she turned to look him in the eyes, "you're ready, Christian. When you came to my house for the first time and we sat in the car, there where we first really talked, I never dreamed of becoming your girlfriend, I couldn't imagine that. I wanted to help you because we seemed so similar . It's time for reality check. Can't tell you how many times I told myself over the last weeks that you're not good for me. You make me feel worthy and wonderful sometimes, but mostly you still need to be in control. That just the way you cope with life...I'm looking for love in all the wrong places . . . have to remember that song and it's deep meaning. When I disregard my objectives , it is comfortable for me to put on hold working on myself in the given situation and then suddenly you remind me with some little things that just happen why I am on this journey to begin with. If I don't break the cycle and get out while I still have the strength to then the waters will suck me under. I'm not strong enough for a relationship with you or you can say you're not ready for me, the way I'd like you to be, but you did change and I think now you are ready for anybody who's not me, like Kimber so just go, go back to Kimber."

"Go back to . . . ? I don't understand. Even if I would, how do you plan on me doing that, when she needed to put several states between us ? " Christian asked on a high pitch tone of incredulity about the turn of events.

"You're a man of many important talents in that area, as you kept keeping me up night long going on about your multiple ways of having seduced Kimber," she replied aggravated.

"You think it's gonna be that easy? Do you think you can just change your mind about us like that the day I made the biggest sacrifice for you?"

"And therein lies the problem," Abby said with a shake of her head, "it was a sacrifice for you just to introduce me to your friends."

"I still need you God damn it! I don't know how to get her back without you," Christian indirectly admitted his evermore wish relieved at some level that Abby didn't want much more fro m him than he was ready to give.

"Sure you do," Abby assured him.

"Why would she accept me now?"

"She'll see the change in you, even if not immediately. She doesn't have the same baggage I do. Yeah, ok, everybody has baggages, but if it's different from mines, that should be enough."

"This is ridiculous."

"What?"

"Well, it seems like you are dumping me. You unremarkable penniless Abby, dumping me high - ranking plastic surgeon eligible bachelor."

"It's me, not you. It 's hard to leave the person you love . . . let me go, no scenes , pointless vindictiveness," she said, rushing to put her clothes on to get out before Christian could chose any of the above. She wasn't sure what he was going to do.

"You said I changed. So why would I do those things?" Between fury and misery it was the second one that won. Was it only an illusion he ever left the state of depression after Kimber left? "But I . .. you know, I go try that and if not, then I'll come back and join you rescue people."

Abby only nodded from the door frame before quietly closing the door behind herself and bursting in to a run. The tears only came later, even if she'd done the right thing for both of them.

tbc


	21. Outermost Limits

Chapter 21: Outermost Limits

Christian changed into his jeans he had in his locker along with the denim shirt. It wasn't as hip as the suits he used to wear, but he didn't want to look too out of place in the small town hospital where he had been working over the last couple of weeks. As he was walking down the hallway toward the exit he waved so long to some fellow doctors and nurses just starting their shifts and he went out the big double doors of the hospital heading for his car out in the lot, also not even half as flashy than the one he used to drive back in Miami, just so he could blend in. He wasn't going to hide out forever, oh no, but if this was supposed to be one of his tricks Abby suggested he should use to get Kimber back, so be it. The only obstacle in the way of pretending to be just an ordinary surgeon was the manager who hired him as the old, conservative grandpa did hear about the reputation of McNamara Troy and had no trouble trusting his expertise in the surgical field, but was rather concerned about the reasons of a hot shot winding up in such a job, well above the average, but nowhere near to what he used to earn. Christian had cashed on his other kind of reputation with women and told Mr. Hamlin he wanted a fresh start from women who would jump on him just because of the way he looks. With that not so well given answer he had to pull out Abby's reference letter she wrote about Dr. Troy's helpfulness in India as an emergency surgeon, proof that he did recently meet all kinds of patients, not just the ones that wanted plastic surgery. He never though it would be so hard to conform to small town expectations for a respectable doctor, but finally there he was, exhaused after the long shift he was never used to at his own practice, not even when Sean was having one of his midlife crisises, just so that the same Mr. Hamlin, nicknamed paper pusher downstairs, could call him back.

"Dr. Troy!" The moderately overweight baldhead moved his legs as fast as he could, making Chirstian turn back and intercept him with half running steps as to make sure the manager didn't overexercise himself all of a sudden and ended up with a heart attack. "What was the last time you performed a C section?"

"About fifteen years ago, before I finished my specialisation. Why?"

"Well, I hope you remember it well," Mr. Hamlin took a hold of his arm and virtually pulled him back into the building, "you have met Dr. Norton, our consultant obstetrician. He's in surgery doing the same for triplets. You have to believe me, this never happens, in a rural area like this where young people move away we hardly have any babies, let alone two emergencies at the same time. Thing is, you have to handle our second one. The mother, one of the pilars of our community, a teacher, is in the ambulance on the way here right now."

"Yes, and can she not be airlifted some place people know exactly what to do?"

"It's life threatening as it is. You still don't understand what your job description was? Did you not read it? It's handling surgical emergencies! Any kind! I hired you as you have got the qualifications! Are you able to handle it or not?"

"Can you tell me what the reason for the emergency is?" Christian asked, annoyed. Although the doctors had specific areas where they usually worked, the hospital expected them to help out where it was neccesary, especially true for surgeons. Out of hours duties were also very common, the community had to use all the resources it had, as the manager said, it wasn't a very popular thing to live out in the country, but those who consciosly chose it, did it with all their hearts.

"Ella will let you know all you need while you scrub in. She'll be better at it than I am," Mr. Hamlin smiled at a middle aged nurse waiting for them in the reception area, one he met a few times before.

"Mrs. Walker is a thirtyone year old practiced mum, this would be her fourth child, all were normal delivery before so she actually rolled in our program of home deliveries. Fivemiles is out in the middle of real nowhere there anyway. But our midwife thinks there are symptoms of fetal distress, baseline fetal heartrate unstable 100-120."

"Dropped since then," the midwife intercepted just arriving rolling in the patient just as Christian barely managed to clean his hands, "she's fully dilated with caput at +1, but not advancing."

"There's no time for a section," Christian said hesitantly, looking at the midwife for confirmation. As he didn't see anybody objecting he added, "we're going to attempt vacuum delivery," immediately spotted the suction cap placed on a tray next to him as a precautionary tool for the delivery and placed on the baby's head.

It was when an unmoving, blue baby covered with vernix slid out into his hands a moment later, along with the pool of blood indicating that the mother needed emergency surgery anyway, that he panicked.

Tbc


	22. Chance Event

Chapter 22: Chance Event

Christian should've been home six hours ago, yet he was still at the hospital taking a final look at his patient before planning to drop asleep, probably in his car as he didn't feel like he could drive. When he noticed her stirring, her eyes fluttering open as she slowly woke up from the sedation he stepped back beside her to reassure her, "Mrs. Walker? Hi," he smiled at her softly, "everything ok. We identified uterine rupture that required significant blood replacement, but your hospital stay shouldn't take all that much longer than as if you just had an uncomplicated c section...the baby is fine too," he anticipated the question as he saw the woman fret and opening her mouth to speak. "you've got a beautiful baby girl, congratulations! She's in special care just now and has to stay in an incubator for a couple of days as a precaution. But overall she's doing really well given the circumstances. She's breathing on her own now and we don't think there's any long term neurological damage. If you feel strong enough you can go see her? Should I go get the nurse to bring a wheelchair and take you?"

"That'd be great. Thank you so much!" Mrs. Walker managed despite being overwhealmed by the new information.

"I'll do that for you then, Mrs. Walker," Christian put his hand on the door handle smiling, releived himself that everything turned out for the best. Baby Walker was the one who actually helped him come out his shock and find the lesioned area of the uterus immediately. If the baby would've not responded well to being resuscitated right away he didn't know what he would've done and that scared him. He knew he had no business at an emergency department, he shouldn't have been there, he knew that. When they did all the rotations back when he was a student the one at the emergecy department didn't go all that well for him, he couldn't act as quickly as it was necessary, remember all the relevant information, he had to basically know everything at all times and he didn't like it and neither did he like risking patient's lives. The sooner he contacted Kimber, the better. So far he wanted to establish himself and if he wanted to be honest to himself he had to admit that he was delaying it because he was frightened of how Kimber'd react.

While he was lost in thought forgetting to exit, Mrs. Walker gathered herself together some more to grasp what has been happening, "call me Kelly please. Thank you seems so not enough. You must get asked this a lot, but would you like to be the godfather of my daughter?"

"That's really not necessary, Kelly."

"Can I not choose the godfather of my child? My husband is not bothered, he's not so religious. My sister, who's watching my other kids is gonna be the godmother and since she doesn't have a boyfriend we were a bit puzzled about who the godfather'll be. Or are you not religious? Is that the problem?"

"I'm religious enough to be a godfather yes, and I am already a godfather, well, sure, if you'd like."

"I also haven't got a name for her. Is there any girl's name you really like?"

"Kimber, Kimmy for short," he finally opened the door, now more in a hurry than before. There were nice bits to trying to save people's lives, but he really didn't think he deserved it for this one. In his rush he didn't notice the amazement on the woman's face.

"Strange you say that," she mutterred, then when seeing him leave she shouted after him, "one more thing! Please tell me your name!"

"Dr. Troy."

Kelly's eyes opened wide in surprise and the same thoughts went through her mind as when they heard the news about the American rescue workers on the news with her sister. Just how many Dr. Troy's there could be? How can this be a coincindence?

"Christian Troy?"

"Yes, why..." There was no time for more as two primary school age girls burst in.

"Mom!" The younger one jumped up the bed, making Christian really turn back and try to stop the girl from disturbing her mother's scars, but her older sister got there first.

"Kiera! Careful with mom! Like this," Reprimanded the girl and showed her sister how to hug their mother more carefully, "we've just seen the baby! She's so beautiful, mom! I would say she smiled at me, but the nurse said that's not possible yet, but I say it is!"

Reassured Kelly was in good hands and company now, Christian turned again, to get out the door at long last just to tumble back giving way to a blonde woman stepping in with a toddler boy in her arms. He nodded apologetically and looked up into her face. It was Kimber.

Tbc


	23. Dissention

Chapter 23: Dissension

It was Kimber, but he had to look once more sizing her up just to be sure. She was somehow different. It was the clothes, he established. He had never ever seen her in such ordinary clothes and the long grey skirt was just unbelievable. She really looked like a teacher, a good looking teacher, but in no way provoking. He probably wouldn't have noticed her passing her on the street. She really tried to make sure her previous life was forgotten. Then he became aware that Kimber had never seen him in such worn jeans either. His clothes felt dirty even though they weren't as he had just changed into them again. Tiredness was making his skin feel sticky despite the shower and he wished he could show up some of his flashy belongings making him feel better about himself even if Kimber had undoubtedly underlined her words with actions and she was this new, magnificent woman above chasing these material pleasures. A woman who made him jump and flinch, wanting to vanish from the spot. This wasn't how he'd planned it.

"What are you doing here? Came to spy on me? Christian, you can't just barge into people's life any time you want a good f..." She stalled, looking at the children, "I'm sorry, this is not the place and time. I'm here to see my sister who just had..."

"Yes, I had Kimber," Kelly interrupted, "and this is the doctor who saved me and my baby's life. So no matter what you will be civil with him."

"How? I don't understand," Kimber paused, giving tiny shakes of her head somewhat confused.

"I work here," Christian admitted a bit sheepishly. This thing was spiralling out of control.

"As what? A plastic surgeon? I didn't know the town was interested in tummy tucks and breast enlargements," Kimber frowned.

"Pft. You would be surprised," Kelly shook her head, "you were away too long."

"Eee...did you forget your sister needs rest?" Christian pulled Kiber outside the door, feeling uncomfortable to show his weak side in front of stangers, than continued when they were out of sight, "I came to prove you wrong. To show I can live in the country and I can work here as a doctor."

"Oh please! That's really trite. You can do better than that, you've done it so many times, even with me. And what did you do when my sister arrived here? Kicked some other doctor out to make sure you deal with her?"

"Whoa. That's below the belt. I didn't know about her being her sister and I got landed with it," his green eyes narrowed angrily now.

"Spare me the platitudes. Who's this trying to be humble, nice Christian? Come on, it must take a lot of effort to pretend you're something you're not."

"You wanna say you've never seen me nice? Wanted to marry me just for my money and position? Loved me just for that?"

"No, I..." She muttered, "but you never change."

Christian eyed her reproachfully, "as I recall, we were good for each other because you wanted the same things I did as much as I wanted them."

"But I don't want those things anymore. I got along just fine without you before you showed up!" Closing her eyes for a moment she tried to think of a time when she was happy since she arrived back here. She shared joy with the children, been glad to see her home town and family, had satisfaction in her work, but real happiness? Instead, all she came up with was how she'd missed him every night in her manless existence she chose on purpose for once in her life. She remembered her concern for him when finding out he wasn't well and yes, she would've wanted to be with him, yes, she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, and yes, it would've been like suicide. Christian wasn't worth a marriage, he wasn't worth a relationship. He would've just hurt her. So there was nothing else to do then slip back to her sister's room and shut him out. One thing she felt certain about now more than ever. She knew she couldn't meet him anymore. She had to run away from him again the way she did before when she came back here. There was no other way. Otherwise she'd just give in.

tbc


	24. Divine Service

Chapter 24: Divine Service

Christian started off early for his appointement with the priest so he could give himself time to find the chapel if necessary. Following the instructions given by one of his churchgoing patients Christian turned left off the road that headed westwards and turned left again after Gateshow Farm to find that the place of worship was vitually in the middle of nowhere and made him question just where its parishioners came from. Having parked the car he continued by foot on the pathway leading up to the house of God when he had to stop short so he's not falling into a strange well or really old swimming pool like hole with steps leading down to it. With disuse, water weeds have colonized the well floor and there were some rusted up handles and wheels.

"It's an open-air baptistery if you're interested," he heard Kimber voice. She was standing next to him, "evidence enough on its own that this was one time a Baptist place," she said on a mocking voice, "the mechanism that lowered a gate to damn the water until it reached a depth for immersion is still there. My sister put me up to this," she continued with a different subject as if it was the same, "she must be wanting a doctor in the family," she rolled her eyes, "she said the godfather'll be a friend of hers and I'll meet him here now so we can discuss the christening. The only problem is she doesn't really know you. But I do. I would've never showed up if I knew you were here," she said angrily, not realising in the turmoil of her emotions that the best thing according to her mind would've been disappearing from there without him noticing her and not storming him instead.

"Just what did I do to cause that reaction? I've never heard those two words you just said, you know, those two very important words comprising of the word I and the word do put together in such a riled way. Kimber, you should've said I do in such a different way. You still can. I don't care about all this bullshit you throw at me, I'm used to it. Kimber. Please. We love each other. Why can't we just stop all this non sense? Will you do us a favour and marry me?" He said resolute, "ah, I forgot, you like it the right way," he suddenly grabbed both her hands and stood on one knee, "and hurry up before anynody sees me like this."

Kimber couldn't help, but smile. It was always this two sidedness with him. He was willing to give so much to her, give himself over and then yet the next minute he wanted it all different, the exact opposite and she was meant to give herself over to him. But she couldn't ignore his touch and that look in his eyes. That lost look he had when he came to see her at the time he thought he was infected with HIV, was there now. He was giving her such a despairing, abject look at that moment that it almost broke her heart to have to say what she needed to say. So she didn't say anything. She only held onto his hand and led him, "come, I'll show you something."

Christian followed her blindly to the farmyard and only stopped for a short second to look at the strange inscription on the gate, caring for God's acres. Then strangely they enetered the churchyard half surrounded by rubble stone walls through the farmyard. Thankfully they weren't out to look at graves, but into an auxilliary round stone building that seemed to more belong to the farm than the church with harrows and plows and cultivators, even if somewhat rusty. Then, it the back, there was a small row crop tractor, possibly green in its good old days. Since there were not as many spider webs on it as on some other stuff in there he assumed it was still in use.

"This is where I lost my virginity," Kimber waved her hands around, then pointed to the tractor seat as if it was the major turistic attraction in town, "I was seventeen."

"I thought..."

"That I was a lot younger? Well, no, but the way you suppose that, the way you'd always treated me, lovingly or not, you always remind me of that slut me who seduced somebody who didn't want to be seduced, a good person who didn't need this distraction being stopped in his life purpose to help people, here at this spot. That was the last time I was seen here before I left to Miami in becoming that whore you like to call me sometimes just out of the blue. The person I wanna forget existed. Somebody that actually wouldn't be tolerated in this community. When people find out how many women you must've slept with since you..."

"I haven't slept with any woman since I'm here. I came for you! Don't you understand? Don't I look I changed a bit? But a person, no, they don't change to be the opposite of the person they used to be just like that and you didn't either. You wanna tell yourself you didn't feel on the top of the world high up on this tractor having all your womanly powers conquering? Up here? Like this?" He stepped up into the chair and pulled her up with him.

Kimber didn't want to look at him. She didn't want to see how handsome he was, his beautiful green eyes, his figure of an ancient God. But it didn't matter whether she was looking at him or not, one more move and she would be his, obediently melting under his touch. It was all okay cause she would leave the next morning and this time she's not gonna tell him where. She felt his hands on her waist and his lips over her neck, his palm going down to her butt softly in circular motion. Giving in, she looked up and met his eyes, then initiated a kiss herself.

Sensing her disposition he let her take over, giving the pace to disposing of their clothing, them melting into each other, a pace non different than if it had been his own. The strange surroundings faded into the distance as she sat in his lap up there and he lost himself in the long awaited feeling of being inside her. 

"I always wondered why sin on church property is so much more appealing to you Kimber," a voice said from below and a figure wearing a surplice stepped out from behind a tiller, "but then again, you always liked this place."

"Jerry?!?" Kimber slid down on her knees from Chirstian's lap trying to half hide behind his legs.

It was the most embarrassed Christian had ever seen her apart from when he saw her at the hospital just having escaped the Carver. And just how was all this church property? The trivial question popped into his mind while trying to figure out what was going on.

"Amazing to find you where I last saw you. After all these years maybe Father Deere would be a more appropriate way how you should call me, don't you think? People'll start to talk. I can't believe I almost left everything that meant anything for me, for you."

The fortysomething was acting nothing like a priest, Christian thought, he should show forgiveness. Hypocrite. He once did the exact thing with Kimber here. He frowned, "you didn't tell me it was him!" He whispered to her. Discussion about the christening there will not be now for sure, but most importantly did he really need to be interrupted right now? "You can't talk to her like that," he heard himself saying, not even considering he had treated her much worse in the past. He stood to hold his ground and tower over the smaller figure even when stepping off the tractor. Being naked and showing his manhood never bothered him, on the contrary, it gave him more power over most people, but somehow he felt a trace of shame as he faced the man of God eye level. It must've been the cross he wore that still meant something for him too. As he stopped in his tracks he gave the opportunity for the opposition to intercept him.

"And who are you tresspasser if I may ask? Or should I say almost sex offender? My Sunday school kids just left this minute. Can you imagine what would've happened if one of them wandered over here?"

"I'm Kimber's fiancee. Ex fiance of sorts."

"Ex fiance of sorts. Weird. So am I."

Christian looked back at Kimber for confirmation, but she was nowhere to be seen. Her clothes had disappeared with her. As he searched the room for her they heard an engine starting nearby.

tbc


	25. Craftsmanship

Chapter 25: Craftsmanship

She had to go away and she had to go away fast. After the not so well going reencounter with her first love, Jerry and the way she felt about her weakness for Christian whenever she saw him, staying definetely wasn't an option, not even till the christening as she had previously promised to her sister. Funnily, she could use her love for Christian to get away somewhere he couldn't find her. Back when she was afraid he was stuck in India she had visited a Red Cross centre and enrolled herself as a volunteer in hope she could go after him. Now this came in handy as the only thing she needed to do is say yes to where they were wanted to send her to help improve safe sex awareness among young people. It was Kyrgyzstan. Pushing the luggage trolley at Moscow Sheremetyevo International Airport she was looking forward to the couple of days she would spend in the capital of Russia exploring its famous cathedrals and hyperboloid towers before taking a long bus journey to the Asian country of Kyrgystan. Coming out the automatic doors she was looking for her link who should've had a piece of cardboard with her with her name on it. Instead, right by the last barrier she saw a man standing holding a paper with the name Dr. Troy on it! Again, for a milisecond she wondered if there could've been another Dr. Troy, but that would've been too much of a coincidence. So she looked back and there he was, a few steps behind her, Christian in a polished and perfectly suiting grey suit and holding a similarly styled suitcase.

He stopped in his tracks when he saw her turning, waved at her with an artificial smile as he was nervous as hell. You can't escape me sweatheart, I hope, he almost blurted out, but he didn't want to aggravate her in any way, so he took his sunglasses off and just stood in front of her waiting for her to react.

"How...did you get here?" Kimber was so sure she covered her tracks this time, not even her sister knew where she was off to. Besides, she wouldn't have expected him to come after her even here. She was very surprised and impressed at the same time. He cared about her that much?

"I talked to your Jerry. I mean, again. Your sister called me and told me you left a letter saying she shouldn't worry, but that you couldn't stay cause you loved me too much? What idiotic non sense is that? Your sister said it was repeat history and you left one of those letters about Jerry once. So I went to him and asked him if he had any clues. And I was lucky! He already knew where you were because the Red Cross worker is in close relation with the church and is his friend and he already let him know about you, he thought he'd be interested cause apparently he's such an old friend he knows everything about you two. So all I had to do is catch a plane. Well, I hired one cause I couldn't get to the airport in time. Don't do this again please cause I'll be in great financial trouble."

"Nobody asked you to hire a plane," Kimber gave a little laugh, even more impressed.

"I'm only asking one thing. Just consider the possibility I have changed. Didn't I just prove enough? Okay, I don't feel in my depth at a small town hospital, but I don't have to be a plastic surgeon either if you don't want me to. I could be a surgeon though, any surgeon. Start fresh? Let me try."

"I dunno if you can, Christian."

"I dunno if I can either, but is our happiness not worth a try?"

Kimber, amazed, with her eyes getting slightly wet at the enormous effort Christian had made, nodded a little uncertainly. She had been anticipating she couldn't resist him anymore and that was exactly how it was. Then she nodded once more, a bit more confidently this time, "yes, it is," she stepped close to him and put her arms around his neck, "I think we have some unfinished business," she whispered into his ears, nuzzling it with her lips.

Christian smiled, "but we don't have to stay in Moscow forever do we? Because you see I didn't have time to take much luggage."

Kimber shook her head, "I don't care where we live as long as we're not playing extra for Julia and Sean. Besides, why is it you need clothes?"

Christian embraced her and now they could turn to the man holding the cardboard with his name on it. Even if they didn't stay long they did need a hotel. "Thanks Abby," he whispered as he held Kimber close becoming one in soul.

"Who?" Kimber looked up at him confused.

"Abby? Oh Abby. I'll tell you all about Abby."

The End.


End file.
